Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room-Part 3

In or out? When should you be in a teen's life and when should you stay out? This is one of the most challenging aspects of raising a teenager today. It often feels like you are walking a tightrope - without the net.

There are several areas where "In or Out" is pertinent. To what extent do you get involved in their activities, their school life, their friends, their clothing, their music, their decisions and their day-to-day routine?

Our culture does not help this situation. While you are trying to teach your children morals, manners and ethics, the media is trying to sell CD's and movie tickets. It often seems that the world will stop at nothing to achieve their goals and sometimes, it feels like "they" are winning. A woman recently told me that she felt as if she had her teenager by the hands and Satan had him by the feet and they were in a vicious tug-of-war.

So when do you stay out of your teen's life? In this article I would like to address the first thing that comes to my mind - a teenager's mood swings. Don't get caught up in their moods. Teens seem to wake up in a new world every day. This is an intense time of life when a new pimple on their face can ruin an entire day. Or if the right person talks to them at lunch, life is good.

While you definitely want to empathize with your teen when she is struggling, you can't let your moods follow her moods. Otherwise it will feel as if you are riding a really bad roller coaster. At the end of the ride, you will be exhausted and probably a little nauseous. Picture yourself as a relatively straight line with your teenager bouncing up and down beside you. More than any other time in their life, they need stability and you are it.

Part of what makes this so difficult is the rate at which your teen is changing. This is a person that you truly thought you knew. When she was a little girl, you could pretty well predict what she would do, say or wear in any given situation. But now you are not so sure. Often after an intense exchange with one of my daughters, I would look at my husband and say, "Who was that girl?"

Anytime I think of moods and mood swings, I think of hormones. Talk to your teenager about her menstrual cycle and the possible changes it can effect in her moods as well as her body. Discuss how you are the same and how you are different. Let her know how you deal with this on a monthly basis and how you dealt with this as a teenager. But be careful how you approach this. I know one mother who went too far with this idea. Every time her daughter had any type of problem, she would say, "Oh, it's just your period." The daughter felt that her problems were being minimized or completely discounted and that the mother wasn't listening to her. The daughter eventually stopped going to her mother with problems because she knew the answer she would get. If this is a problem area for your daughter, remember that it is only part of the problem. While there is no question that a woman's cycle can play a significant role in the way she is feeling and responding, please don't use the menstrual cycle as an easy out.

Then how do you tell the difference when your daughter is having a "bad day" and if she is truly in trouble. Obviously, there are no pat solutions or guarantees. I wish I could tell you that there were. But I can offer some suggestions that have been helpful for my family and families I have worked with in the past.

First of all, keep close tabs on your teen. While you don't want to live her life for her, know what is going on in her life. Every once in a while, when she is in there, go in her room. What is she putting on the walls? What is she reading? What kind of poetry is she writing? What music is she listening to? (Try not to notice the laundry on the floor or where she spilled nail polish on the carpet. Take a deep breath and remember why you are there!)

One way to stay in your teen's life is to talk to them. But more important, listen to what she is saying. Sometimes you have to go through lots of "he said that she said that I didn't like her because she liked him first" type of conversations to get to the heart of an issue. But stick with it. Eventually you will learn to talk to each other.

But what if your teen won't talk to you at all? Sometimes it is necessary to bring in reinforcements. Enlist the aid of your daughter's Sunday School teacher or Youth Minister. Sometimes kids just don't want to talk to Mom and Dad, but they are willing to talk. I know of one lady that was good friends with her hairdresser. When the daughter went to the beauty salon, the hairdresser would help the mom check things out. Maybe you need to take your teen to a counselor or therapist. Depending on how concerned you are, leave this option open. Remember that an outside party cannot "fix" your teen any more than you can. And your goal is not to get the "scoop" on your teen from someone else. But often an objective person can let you know if your teen is struggling with typical teenage issues, or if they are truly in trouble.

Finally, keep other factors in mind. Is your teen sleeping well? Is her appetite OK and does she eat meals? This is sometimes difficult to tell as she may spend so little of her meal time at home where you can see what she is actually eating. Is she loosing or gaining weight rapidly? Have her grades changed dramatically or is she skipping school? These are areas that might indicate there is more going on with your daughter than just the usual teenage angst.

Again, this is a balancing act. While you don't want to ignore the possibility of your teen having a serious issue, don't get caught up in the daily ups and downs that encompass adolescence. With one eye open for problems, stay steady and strong. Your teen needs you.

With all my heart,
Lillian