Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room-Part 1

The freshman girl, age 14, had just come in from a school activity and was asking to go out with friends. Once again, the girl had not cleaned her room. Dirty clothes in heaps, clean clothes in piles, textbooks, papers, make-up and pompoms completely covered the floor of her bedroom.

The mother was frustrated and angry. She had spent the evening at the high school watching the teen girl in yet another activity. After her own classes at college where she had returned to finish a degree, and the stress of a full-time job. She felt completely overwhelmed with those tasks plus keeping up with husband, children and housekeeping.

And now her daughter was asking to go out and have fun with her friends. These days it seemed the teen girl spent every waking moment trying to get out of the house and away from her parents.

The mother felt alone and dismayed. Could no one else see how dirty the house was? Didn't anyone understand that she still had homework to do? She was tired and angry. And now she had to try to think about whether or not it was wise to let the teen leave the house and go someplace with friends. Her head hurt and she couldn't concentrate. And something inside of her seemed to break.

The mother began screaming at her teenage daughter. She screamed until she was hoarse. She screamed until the younger daughter, age 8, began to cry. Her husband was tense and frustrated. He tried to intervene but the mother just kept screaming him down. The teenager tried to talk to her mother but nothing would get through. She also began to cry and started shouting. In exasperation, the mother picked up the object nearest to her hand, a hairbrush, and threw it at the teenager.

Everything in the room seemed to stop. The mother began to cry and finally told both girls to go to their rooms. The husband tried to help mother calm down and catch her breath. They could hear their teenager in her room, sobbing and tearing up magazines.

This was an all-American family. What had happened? What was going on? How had things gotten so bad?

If any of this sounds familiar to you, you probably have a teenager in your home. You feel you have been pushed to do and say things you would never have thought possible. You are frustrated, worried and completely exhausted.

The scene pictured above also sounds familiar to me. Because I'm the mother in this story. If anyone had told me years earlier that I would throw something at one of my children, I would have laughed it off and called them a liar. That could never happen to me. But it did.

Raising teenagers is one of the hardest things I have ever done. This phase of a child's life not only takes a great deal of energy on your part, it takes an emotional toll that can leave you feeling defeated and weary. While your teen is struggling and raging through a difficult developmental stage, often you would just like a moment's peace or maybe an evening with your spouse. And at the end of the day when you're sitting anxious and angry waiting for that teen to come home, you wonder if you have done anything right and if either of you will survive this time. As your teen walks out of the house after another round of arguing and fighting, you lay aside your frustration and guilt to worry if she will be safe and where she might go.

Over the next few weeks, The Lilly Pond will be presenting a series of articles on parenting teenagers. We will explore some of the difficulties involved in this age group. As with all of my articles, I am not the final or only answer. I hope to offer some thoughts that will help you understand what is happening at your house and some tactics you might try in dealing with your teen. There is rarely only one solution to whatever problem you are facing and I want to encourage you to use every resource at your disposal. While many of the problems that parents face are universal, you may be dealing with a specific challenge that I won't cover here. Don't despair and don't give up. Be willing to scour the earth for the help you need.

What makes this such a difficult time for parents and children alike? Why are teens so frustrating? Why are they able to "get to us" during this time of our lives like no other era we live through? How long does this phase last? Is there hope for a relationship with your teen when this is all over? Do other people have these same problems?

You worry with them that they won't be accepted or have friends. You struggle to help them feel good about how they look and what to wear. You beat a drum for education, good grades and making something of their lives. You agonize that they might be having sex, using drugs or contemplating suicide. You weep with despair as the child of your heart turns on you and screams, "I hate you, you're stupid and I never want to see you again!"

But it is almost easier to have them yell at you than shrug their shoulders, roll their eyes and walk away. And when the clock rolls around to that curfew hour and they still are not home, your heart lurches in your chest as the phone rings, fearful that it is the hospital or the police with the most dreaded words a parent can ever hear: "I have your child here."

As exasperating as they can be, teens can also be wonderful people. This is why they are such a challenge. Over my career as a mental health therapist, I have worked with hundreds of teenagers, mostly teenage girls. And I have discovered that I truly like teenagers.

As we embark on this frustrating, satisfying, irritating, exciting, demoralizing, wonderful, agonizing, amazing journey to parent a teen, let me give one thought that applies to everyone in all situations: do not try this alone. You must have God's help. Be willing to take your child in prayer to your Heavenly Father. We are often willing to complain about our teenager to anyone who will listen, but we are unwilling to take our broken heart to God and ask for His help. Here are some thoughts to guide you as you pray.

1. Ask God for wisdom in making decisions that relate to them.
2. Ask God for patience when you are so frustrated and at the end of your rope.
3. Ask God for courage to take a stand with them when you have to tell them something hard.
4. Ask God for love when you are empty and feel there is nothing left.
5. Ask God for understanding when they are facing a challenge that is foreign to you. (I never had to worry about kids having guns at my high school!)
6. Ask God for strength when they have worn you completely out.

Prayer for that teen may be new to you or it may be something you have practiced for years.

But here is something you may not have tried. This week, let your teen hear you pray for her aloud. Ask her if she minds if you pray before she leaves for school. If she is angry and tells you "no," pray after she leaves. But if she says, "OK," pray a simple and short prayer from your heart. Don't try to fix your relationship or get her to clean her room in your prayer. Just ask God to protect her and be with her at school. Amen.

Mornings are usually a hectic time in our house. My husband and I are trying to get ready for work, take out the trash, make sure the dog is in, take bills to the mail box, find out who will be home late and what is planned for the evening, and maybe thaw something for supper (thinking all the while that pizza sounds good). We are trying to get our teen out of bed, ready for school, and on her way. Prayer in the mornings is usually not even a thought much less a priority.

But I must confess to you that in the past two years, there have been days when we couldn't do anything else. Our hearts were so heavy and our spirits so grieved, that there was nothing to do but pray before we left the house. And pray out loud. And let her hear us.

I will end this introductory article with my mother's favorite verse. Because often in our daily lives, especially when we are dealing with teenagers, we feel that we have been eaten alive, devoured, consumed. And that there is nothing left. Take heart and don't lose hope! God promises to be new for you every morning. And He is faithful.

With all my heart,
Lillian

Lamentations 3:22-23 It is because of his mercies that we are not consumed; his compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.