This is the last article of the series on “My Daughter Hates Me” and this would be a good place to review what we’ve covered:

- Check your own behavior and take responsibility for what you are doing (or not doing) in your relationship.

- With the help of others, determine if you are coming across as you want to. See if your message matches your intent.

- Focus on something positive and make sure that you spend time talking about that.

- Look for ways to determine not only what God is trying to do in your daughter's life (and staying out of the way) but what God is possibly trying to do in your life as well.

- Swallow your pride and take that first step toward reconciliation.

- Invest your time. Healing broken relationships can often take a great deal of time, but is oh, so worth it.

As we end our series on what to do when "your daughter hates you," I feel we can’t wrap up until we address the topic of Love.

It’s easy to talk about love and sing about love. But of all the things we’ve discussed, I think this one is the hardest. Why is that? Because at some point in our lives, we’re  unlovable.

Yep. It's true! I don't care what the relationship is:  husband, wife, father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, friend, neighbor, co-worker or your Sunday School teacher. There will be a time when it’s difficult to love that person. When you are so angry, frustrated, hurt, disgusted, betrayed and/or defeated that what you really want to do is hold his/her head in a toilet and flush it a few times . . . oh. Sorry. Did I get a little carried away there? Well, admit it. You’ve felt that way too, haven’t you?

And we’re talking about someone that you supposedly already love. Not an enemy or a stranger. No, this is someone that is related to you by blood or a marriage vow or as a brother or sister in Christ. It seems obvious that we would love those closest to us. But at times, we don't even like those people, much less love them.

So how do we go about showing our love during those really "unlovable" times?  I don't think we can address the idea of "love" in any form without first thinking of God and His love for us. So let's look at what God has in mind when He is talking about love.

1. Love is not really an option. It isn't even a suggestion. It is a command from God. .John 15:12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  God is pretty direct about this command. And we had better pay attention to it. Do not casually dismiss a relationship because you’re angry or hurt. You are commanded to love that person anyway.

2. In the Bible, “love” is usually an action verb. How do we know that God loved us? Because of what He did. John 3:16 God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten Son... God loved us so He did something about it. He took drastic action to demonstrate His love.

3. Love doesn't wait until the other person is lovable. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  God took action before we were aware of it, even though we didn't deserve it and while some still reject it. Nothing stops His love. Not even the other person being wrong.

4. Love does the right thing, just because it is the right thing to do. Luke 6:35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. I really don't like to find verses like that in the Bible. Because if I do something good for you, I would really like for you to do something good for me. It just makes sense in my mind. But love, especially God's love, doesn't always make sense. 

5. Love doesn't keep score. For the most part, the biggest problems in our relationships are caused by the smallest events, the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” How does this happen? Someone we love commits a small offense. Perhaps they didn’t even realize they offended you. It is too small for you to bring up. But you don’t let it go. You save it up.

Eric Bern called this phenomenon “saving brown stamps.” Some grocery stores still issue “green stamps” with each purchase. You paste them in a special book and when you get enough saved up, you can trade them in for merchandise. Often we find ourselves saving a brown stamp whenever someone slights us. Then when we get a book pasted full of brown stamps, we just explode with no warning. After all, it’s our right to tee off. We’ve got the book full of minor offenses to justify it. But the one we love is completely surprised and confused.

“What got into you?” is the clue. Step back and see if you’ve just cashed in a big book of brown stamps.

I Corinthians 13:4-8 lists many important attributes about love. But one of the most important is that love “…keeps no record of wrongs” or “love doesn’t keep score.” How many relationships would have been salvaged if we simply threw away our books pasted full of “brown stamps.” When someone you love offends you, no matter how small the offense, either resolve it right then, or truly let it go. But remember that love “doesn’t keep score.”

All this sounds real good on Sunday morning. But how do we work that out during the week with those folks who are causing us so much grief? Here are some ideas that I hope will be helpful as you work on that difficult relationship.

A. Love the other person because it is difficult to resist genuine love.  Think what this means. The other person is thinking of you, “she is trying to please me; she is doing her best to do what is right; she doesn't expect anything in return; she is just loving me.” When someone is genuinely putting forth that type of effort, it is difficult to turn away from her.  Romans 12:20 says this will “heap coals of fire on their head.”

B. Don't try to control the other person. “Guilt trips” and manipulation are dishonest, easy to spot and will only aggravate the situation. You do them a favor expecting one in return. Or you try to make them feel badly because they didn’t do what you expected.

One of the most pointed examples of this in my own life occurred with my mother. We lived near each other and attended the same church. She often kept my toddler on Saturday nights or picked her up for church on Sunday mornings.

One Saturday evening I was attending a convention that had been required by my boss. I wasn't exactly excited about the event, but it was considered part of my job. So I went. The meeting was some drive from my home and lasted until very late. By the time I got home and in bed, I was very tired. I got up the next morning and dragged myself to Sunday School. I knew I was late but felt I should go anyway.

My mother met me at the door and literally hissed, "You're late!" I was stunned. And then I was angry. I was 30 years old when this happened. You’re thinking that maybe I moved to another church? No, I moved to another town! It’s easy to resist someone, even someone as close as your mother, when that person is trying to control you. Even though I desperately needed her to help me with my little girl, I was not willing to give up control of my life to get that help.

C. Tell the other person that you love them - and mean it. When I’m struggling with someone, I find it a challenge to just say, "I love you." But sometimes I make myself go ahead and say those simple words. Often, this begins to melt my hard and unloving heart, and reminds me of what my Heavenly Father expects of me. I am convicted of not loving that person, regardless of the reason. And I begin to think of what I can do to show that person that I truly do love them.

I have tried this before. Not as a ruse or to manipulate. But to try to encourage a relationship when my feelings were weak and I was tired of trying. One day I said, "I love you" because it seemed like the right thing to do and helped me focus on my responsibility. Surprisingly, the other person came back with "I love you too," and there was a gentleness that had been missing for some time. I was a little bit amazed at the response and ashamed. I wondered how long it had been since I had said that and meant it.

Feeling encouraged, I worked a little harder with that person. Along with other efforts, I began making a conscious effort to say "I love you" whenever we were parting. Gradually, and over several months, I noticed that our entire relationship began to soften and heal. I know this wasn't all that went into that effort. And obviously, I wasn't the only one trying. But deep in my heart, I know this helped. When we said those simple words (and truly meant it), both of us were reminded that we really did love each other. That we had allowed daily trials and frustrations to get in our way. That there was something more important at stake here and we couldn’t afford to forget it.

When we’re trying to heal broken relationships, it’s important to use anything and everything we can possibly imagine that might help. Nothing is as painful as a rift from someone you have had a relationship with. And I can think of nothing as precious as reuniting with that person in love.

I Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

My prayer for all of you is that you will have the faith and heart to continue working on broken and difficult relationships. Today, I also offer a special prayer for the brave mother who had the courage to write, "I think my daughter hates me," and thus inspired this series of articles. In her last letter, this mother mentioned that she has some hope for a relationship with that same daughter. From the letters I’ve received, this seems to have been helpful to many other mothers (and daughters). I appreciate your opening your heart and writing to me, and allowing me to share my thoughts and heart with you. 

With all my heart,
Lillian

 I Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.