Rifts between two people are so painful. Both of you are hurt, angry and frustrated.  Sometimes you wonder, "How did all this get started anyway?" Often, the cause of the break is something pretty big and important.

I talked with one lady recently who got married at age 18. Only one of her six older siblings attended her wedding. It was very painful for her, and to this day she isn’t sure why the rest didn't come.

Another woman struggles with her mother who does things for all the other daughters except her. When she confronted her mother, the response was, "You’re so self-sufficient. You don't need me like they do."

The Big Things

Funerals can usually generate some hurt feelings. Emotions are strained. People have been stretched to their limit with the care of someone who has been ill or they are numb with the shock of sudden death. Either way, it’s a vulnerable time for everyone involved and it’s easy to be hurt. Maybe someone took Grandmother's favorite quilt after her death, and you have never really gotten past the fact that the quilt should have been yours.

Addiction, abuse and neglect can all be a huge start of estrangement that may last for many years. Money is a pretty big divider also. Nothing gets people so angry so quickly as the topic of money borrowed or loaned. Ironically, the person who borrowed the money is usually more angry than the person who loaned it!

The Little Things

At other times, no one is really sure what started it all. Maybe one person didn't call the other as expected. Maybe a word was misunderstood. Perhaps an instruction was taken the wrong way. You were supposed to meet somewhere, and one of you didn't show up. You were trying to help and were reprimanded and told to mind your own business.  Maybe you were criticized just one too many times, and you felt like, "I don't have to take this anymore" and you haven't been back.

Regardless of how it started, you feel the loss of this relationship strongly and you want to do what you can to heal the wound. But who should go first? After all, you didn't start it. You’re not the one who was hateful at the funeral. You’re not the one who neglected someone's birthday. You’re not the one who didn't pay the money back. You were the last one to try to call. So who should go first? You should.

But, you might argue, that doesn't make sense. I’m the one who was wronged. I’m the one who should be mad and hurt. That may all be true. But you are also the one I am talking to. And you are the one who wants things to be better; who wants things to be healed.

If I could pick, I’d always pick the parent to go first. But that doesn't always work. So whether you are the grandmother, mother or daughter, you go first.

God's Went First

Remember that when we were in the wrong, God loved us first. Even after we crucified His Son, He went first. The Bible says that we were His enemy and He still went first. "In that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) He not only loved us but (here is the toughest part) He forgave us. Also remember that when you are trying to forgive someone for a hurt, you are going to need Christ's forgiveness to do this. You will probably not have it in your human heart to forgive someone.

This always makes me think of the book “The Hiding Place” by Corrie ten Boom. Most of Corrie's family died in German concentration camps during World War II. After surviving the camps, she was speaking in Europe on God's forgiveness and healing to that war-torn continent. After one particular meeting, a man came up to her, offered her his hand and asked for her forgiveness. He had been one of the guards at the camp where she and her sister had endured so much and where her sister had eventually died.

Corrie knew she could never forgive this man for the suffering he caused her sister. But God could. And Corrie had His forgiveness in her heart. She made the conscious decision to forgive this man because God had commanded it. As she extended her hand, God gave her the love she needed and warmed her heart. She had done her part; she had obeyed. And God did his part. He gave her the grace she needed.

Matthew 6:14-15 -- “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Matthew 5:43-45 -- “You have heard that it was said, “Live your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.”

The Hardest Part

I won’t tell you that it’s easy to go first. In fact, I can think of few things more difficult. There’s always that risk of rejection. You might extend your hand or your heart and the other person just walks away or turns their back. And that is a pretty big risk. Are you willing to take it? Is it worth it? It will be much safer to do nothing, but then you will never know what might have happened. Yet as you humble yourself to that other person, remember that God gives grace to the humble. (James 4:6)

I know of a mother and son who had not spoken in nine years. Neither was really sure how this started. But it was so painful for both of them, and becoming worse by the year. There never seemed to be an opportunity to make it right.

The mother discovered the possibility that both would be at the same church service one Sunday to see a mutual family member's baptism. She determined that if her son was there, she would at least speak to him before she left. At the end of the service I stood and watched as she made her way toward him, unsure if he would turn away, not knowing how he would respond or if he would respond at all.

I can't imagine how difficult that was for her. Or for him. As she reached the spot where he was standing, she spoke to him and then leaned up and put her arms around him. When I turned around, he was hugging her back. There is no question that they have a long way to go and a lot of wounds to heal. But none of that could happen until someone took the first step.

So who should go first? I think it will have to be you. Ask God for His direction and guidance, as well as His forgiveness, as you make that step. Don't go in without Him. You are taking a big step. I for one wouldn't want to take that step alone.

Proverbs 3:5-6 -- “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

With all my heart,
Lillian