Step 4 - Oh, Were You Talking to Me?

I Kings 19:11-12 "...and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire...

a still small voice."

In this series we’ve been working hard to help a mother who in despair has proclaimed, "My daughter hates me." And she doesn't understand why.

When she first wrote to me, she didn’t give any specifics on the history of their relationship, problems they’d encountered, or current issues. So I wrote this series in a way that can apply to some general problems that might be troubling the relationship with a mother and her adult daughter.

Let's take a moment and review:

Step One: Take responsibility for your own behavior. Are you being critical of your daughter? Remember that she’s an adult too.

Step Two: How do you come across to others? Make sure your message matches your intent.

Step Three: Back off of those "hot spots," namely those topics that are sure to start an argument. Keep the conversation on positive things.

Our next step is to consider What is God trying to accomplish. It seems contradictory that God would use the pain of a broken relationship to accomplish anything. And yet, as Christians, we often wait to fall to our knees until we’re hurting.

First, what is God trying to accomplish in your life? Perhaps He has some changes He wants you to make and hasn't been able to get your attention. Maybe He wants you to just be still and listen for a time. Instead of frantically trying to repair your relationship with your daughter, think about your relationship with your heavenly Father. How is that going?

The wonderful thing about God is that He is always ready to receive us. He has already demonstrated how much he loves us and wants to have a relationship with us. So ask God for wisdom and guidance. If you’ve discovered a problem with your daughter, ask God for direction on what to do next. Should you confront her or leave it alone? God can help as you make these decisions. Claim the verse in James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

Several weeks ago I was struggling in two areas of my life, with two different people. It was one of those weeks where it seemed like everything was crashing in. It seemed that every new day brought a new problem with yet another person. I was frustrated and confused about what to do next. Both relationships were extremely important to me and I didn't want to "blow it." In addition, I was angry and I tend to say too much when I’m mad. (Having plenty to say can have its disadvantages!)

So I prayed and asked God for wisdom and guidance. Then I waited. I refused to go forward until I felt peace that the direction I was taking was the right one.

In both instances, it was good that I waited because I had been heading in the wrong direction. In both relationships, there was more information that I didn’t yet have. I waited on God and He kept me from making a fool of myself and from hurting two very special people.

It was a hard week to get through. But in the end, I knew I could rely on God to give me the wisdom he promised. God had something He wanted to accomplish in my life. And as always, He wanted me to stay focused on Him. 

Second, what is God trying to accomplish in your daughter's life? The question is not: what are YOU trying to accomplish in her life. And the question is not: what do YOU think God is trying to accomplish in her life. The question here is simply What is HE trying to accomplish?

Maybe you need to get out of His way and let him do His job. It’s easy to look in from the outside and determine what we think is happening in another person's life. But what we think may not be the case at all.

You may feel the need for change or repentance. Remember that only God's Holy Spirit can convict a person of sin. If you try using guilt or shame to manipulate your daughter, it just won't work. It will only drive a bigger wedge between you. Let your daughter know that you’re ready to talk when she is. Continue to love and pray for her. Continue to make efforts where you are able and where appropriate.

On the other side of this, loving and praying for your daughter doesn’t mean you should let her run over you. Let's say she’s using drugs. Be clear about what you will and won't tolerate in your home. Perhaps her husband or boyfriend is abusing her children. But if you decide to take a stand, be prepared for some undesirable consequences.

Setting your own healthy limits doesn’t always mean that the other person will respond favorably. Even if it’s your daughter. Be sure you’re taking a stand over something that’s really important. How your daughter cooks her rice is not worth fighting over!

I can think of so many instances from counseling where the daughter is in the wrong and often, the mother is helpless to intervene. When you’ve done all you can reasonably do, and said all that you can lovingly say, you must give her back to God. She was always His anyway.

This may mean a time of estrangement, of distance and withdrawal. And that’s going to hurt. It always does. Don’t let this time make you bitter. Let it bring you closer to God and His comfort. Know that He is working to accomplish something, not only in your daughter's life, but also in yours.

Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:”

With all my heart,
Lillian