Step 3 - What Are You Talking About?

Ok, Mom, now that you have taken responsibility for your part and have checked with others about how you could be coming across to your daughter, you may be ready for the next step.

Our next thought is to be positive. This sounds so very simple but to me, it can be one of the most difficult things to do.

1. What do you and your daughter fight about? Make a list, either on paper or in your mind, of the things you already know are Hot Spots. Do you fight about church? Her children? Maybe her husband? You already know the topics that if even mentioned will almost immediately become an argument or even a fight. So don't mention them. Again, that sounds easy but it can be more difficult than you think.

I was recently working with a woman, Carol, who was concerned about her daughter's weight. Her daughter, Anne, was away at college, had gained the "freshman forty" and continued to eat, in the words of her mother, "like a farm hand." When Anne came home for Christmas break, she admitted to Carol that she had seen a nutritionist on campus to discuss bulimia. Carol panicked, and fearing for her daughter's health and well-being, launched immediately into an intense lecture about overeating, weight control, etc. As you can imagine, Anne became very defensive and this ended in a shouting match. Nobody won. Actually, no one ever wins a shouting match.

As we talked, Carol expressed her concerns over her daughter's health. She also began to acknowledge her own frustration and embarrassment that Anne had allowed her weight to get out of control. Then we talked about their relationship. They had the potential for a good relationship, as long as this subject was avoided. We practiced some responses for Carol if the subject was brought up. And yes, eventually the subject was brought up - by Anne!

They were clothes shopping for a special event that Anne was to attend. After eliminating some dresses for price, color and style, the choice was down to two dresses. Anne turned to her mother and asked if she looked fatter in one dress or the other. Carol tensed. Here was a potential argument. Here was the opportunity to have an all out fight right there in the dressing room.

Carol took a deep breath and said, "I love you and think you are beautiful. You will look lovely in either dress." Anne was somewhat taken aback. This was not what she expected and so she pushed. "But Mother, I really want to know if I look fatter in one or the other!" Carol stood her ground. The daughter asked her several times. She finally told Anne her reasons for liking each dress, never mentioning the weight factor, and left the decision to the daughter. The shopping trip ended well and there was no fight.

Later when Carol related this story to me, I let her know how proud I was of her. It was difficult not to bite on that hook. Especially since she is still concerned about her daughter's weight. But she knew it could end in disaster. Anne already knows how Carol feels and that her mother is willing to help her when (and if) she is ready to do something about her weight.

Meanwhile, she’s avoiding those Hot Spots.

2. So what to talk about? Sometimes you have to search for something positive, some neutral ground. If you’ve fallen into the habit of arguing with another person, it’s easy to do this automatically, without trying, without thought. Breaking that habit can be tough. So you must be prepared ahead of time. Try to introduce a topic that won’t cause a fight. This may feel awkward to you at first if your usual communication with your daughter is arguing. It may take some practice and might not feel comfortable at all. You might even feel that you aren’t being together if you’re not fighting!

3. Pick a neutral spot to meet. A restaurant is always a good idea. Not your kitchen. Not her kitchen. Just some place where you can visit freely for a short time.

4. Remember that you don't have to meet to solve problems. You can talk about everyday affairs. In fact, make a point to not spend much time talking about problem areas. Let this be fun. 

I worked with a young woman, Julie, whose relationship with her mother had been strained since the day she moved away from home. Julie attended one of my workshops and filled out a workbook. She began to work on her own attitude and behavior (which, as we have already said, is all that any of us can do.)

Julie’s mother, Darlene, began responding. Just a little at first, but gradually the strain began to ease. One day they needed to exchange some items. Julie suggested they meet for lunch in a town about halfway between their homes (She was paying attention in class!).

There were no fathers, husbands or children to take their attention. There was no meal to prepare and no event to anticipate. Just lunch together. Julie later told me that she was amazed at the results. Darlene even began talking about her own mother and some of what she had been through as a child. Julie was amazed. This was completely new information for her. Later Julie told me that she realizes they have a long way to go to renew their relationship. But she is encouraged and feels they are headed in the right direction.

Always remember that old habits are the hardest to break. You may not even be aware of your tendency to stray to a particular topic. Be prepared and practice!  You may both be surprised.

With all my heart,
Lillian