Step 2 - How do you come across to others?

You may be coming across to your daughter in ways that you really don’t intend. Try to get some accurate feedback on this from a good friend or spouse. Then, accept their feedback graciously. It’s easy to get defensive and try to explain your side (again!) when someone is trying to give you some correction. And when several people in your life are telling you the same thing, it might be a good idea to listen and at least give that idea some thought. It’s important to know how others perceive you.

1. Be careful of your tone of voice. Recently I was discussing something with my husband. Something that I obviously felt very strongly about. He stopped and looked at me and said, "Why are you yelling at me?"

I was stunned. I didn't think I was yelling. I hadn't heard myself yelling. It didn't sound like yelling to me. But it did to him. I immediately defended myself. (You would think as a therapist I would have gotten this part right by now...some of us are slow learners!) So I yelled at him, "I wasn't yelling - you just weren't paying attention!" (Was that a great comeback or what?)

After a few minutes of arguing we came out of our corners to work things out. I finally admitted, "I didn't mean to yell at you. That's not what I was trying to do. I 'm not even angry. And if I yelled, I am sorry. Let me try again and you be sure to tell me if I start yelling!. We eventually figured things out and the rest of the day went pretty smoothly.

My husband is a good "checker" for me. I also have some friends who help me realize when I am getting off track. They give me perspective. Maybe I’m making a large issue out of something small. Maybe I’m yelling when I don't mean to. Maybe I’m obsessing over something that I should be done with.

2. Be careful of your facial expression. Over the years I have discovered from friends and co-workers that I frown a great deal when I am deep in concentration.  For a brief time I taught piano lessons to young children at a music store. The children would often ask me why I was mad. I wasn't mad. I was trying very hard to figure out what to do with them next! I have to work hard to make the expression on my face match what is going on inside me. And it’s something that I must be aware of continually. It doesn’t always come naturally.

3. Be careful of your message. Sometimes when I’m talking to one of my daughters, the thought in my heart is I love you and want the best for you. What comes out of my mouth is Why do you let your friends treat you so badly? Often when talking to others, whether it’s my children, spouse or friends, I have to be sure I’m getting my message across accurately. If not, then I must backtrack and say something like, "I know you're having a hard time with your friends right now and this is hard for you. It’s hard for me too because I love you and hate to see you upset. But I know you can figure out what to do about your friends. I have some ideas that we can talk about. And I hope you let me know what you decide."

When I have been able to catch myself before I start giving advice and orders, I can usually have a good conversation with those around me. If they don't feel that I’m attacking them, there’s a better chance they’ll listen. And there’s a much better chance that they’ll come back and let me know how things turned out and we can talk about the topic some more.

When you realize that the message you’re trying to send is not being received the way you intended, it’s so important to stop and take stock of what you are doing. Again, this doesn’t mean you’re responsible for all parts of any relationship. It just means you may need to make some changes. Be sure your message comes through clearly.

With all my heart,
Lillian