Step 1 - Look at your own behavior first. Are you being critical? 

The purpose of this step is not to say you are completely to blame or to burden you with guilt. It is to help you take responsibility for what you can do.

As we all know, the only person I have any control over is me! I can't be responsible for an entire relationship, but I can be responsible for my own actions and attitudes. So I ask myself: How have I contributed to this situation? What was my part in it? Was I critical of my daughter? Am I always itemizing what displeases me? Maybe the way she wears her hair or clothes, how she keeps her home, how she disciplines her children? 

As mothers who have the responsibility of guiding our children, this is such an easy rut to fall into, right? We don't think of it as being critical. We think of it as just a necessary and natural part of raising our children. When they’re little we get very used to saying, "Your slip is showing; you have something in your nose; stand up straight; chew with your mouth closed; did you write a thank-you note to your grandmother; don't forget to empty the trash; don't put your elbows on the table; say excuse me when you walk in front of someone; and did I mention that your slip is showing!" When they grow up, it’s sometimes difficult to just stop this. Especially if your daughter didn’t heed all of your instructions, right? There she is - an adult - and she is not standing up straight!

If my adult daughter asks my opinion, I hurry to give it to her. But if she doesn't ask, and I don't like what she’s wearing for example, I just don't say anything. Sometimes this is hard. Times have changed and I don't always approve of some of the new styles and fashions. But I bite my tongue.  She’s an adult now and it’s none of my business.

What about her choice of friends? Where she works? Who she dates? Where she goes to church? (Or maybe she doesn't go to church at all.) Don't forget her weight, the way she wears her hair, or wears her make-up.

Here are the reasons why I think we worry about so many seemingly external aspects of our children's lives:

 a. Did we do a good job? Raising children takes years and years of time, effort, sacrifice, scrimping, saving, praying and plain 'ol hard work, doesn’t it? My mother used to say it takes 18 years to raise a baby. There are few of life’s projects where we contribute so much and still may not get to see the hoped-for results. This particular project can just get up and walk away! 

Trap: We wind up unsure if we did a good job. Helpful: Be careful not to use how much your daughter is like you as a barometer for self-judging your mothering skills.

b. Can we brag to our friends? Many times among women, talking about our children is the "coin of the realm." If our daughter is doing something that we don't approve of, this makes it difficult when we’re with other women. 

Trap: We worry that they too will disapprove of our daughter and her behavior, and hence, that they will disapprove of us. Helpful: Make sure your relationship with your friends is not based on how well your daughter is doing or not doing for that matter.

c. Will she have a good life? Ironically, this one usually comes up last. We really do want our children to have a good life. We’re so worried that they’ll make mistakes and do irreparable damage. And as they grow older we become more and more aware of how little control we have over the decisions they make and the circumstances they will encounter. 

Trap: There’s nothing more difficult than watching your child suffer. Helpful: Be careful not to focus on externals. Remember that your relationship is more important than how your daughter wears her hair or make-up. Having the opportunity to show her your love is more important than your approval of how she is living her life. And someday you may just turn around and she will be standing up straight!