I loved your web site and I have been reading the letters from other moms who are struggling with their daughters. My daughter is manic-depressive. We love her and know that she needs help. But when we try, she resents this and holds it against my husband and myself. She is married and she and her husband are very verbally abusive to each other. I still talk to her and try to give it to God. I am worried about her children. Please give me an answer. Your site is so beautiful to read. Thanks and God Bless.

A Worried Mother

Dear Worried Mother:

Thank you for your note. I am so sorry that you are struggling with your daughter. Bipolar Disorder (manic-depressive) is such a difficult illness to deal with. I am also glad that you tried to get some help for your daughter even though she didn't receive it. But I have worked with many people who were bipolar that were unable to realize that they had something wrong or that they should get any help.

You cannot make your daughter do something she doesn't want to do, so here's what I suggest for you.

1. First of all, do not worry about your daughter's relationship with her husband. You cannot determine how they live or deal with each other, even if you feel it is wrong. Stay out of that.

2. Learn all you can about Bipolar Disorder. Since there is often a genetic tendency for this, study your family tree to see if others may have had this. Find out if there is a Support Group in your area for family members. Call your local Mental Health facility or psychiatric hospital for more information. 

This will not change your daughter, but it will help you to understand exactly what you are dealing with and why. Remember you are getting this information for you, not to diagnose or treat your daughter. It is important that you remember that as you learn.

3. Support your daughter with her children as much as you can. Don't assume that her children will automatically have Bipolar Disorder also.

4. Take care of yourself. As you learn more about this disorder and the mood swings that go with it, you realize that you can be swept along into the mood swings also. Be aware and remove yourself from the situation when it becomes overwhelming to you. If your daughter begins to verbally attack you, leave.

Don't allow her to talk to you in a way that is hurtful. Don't try to explain this to her or make her understand. Don't use this as an opportunity to force her to get help. Simply say that you do not want to hear her talk this way. And leave.

5. While your daughter is responsible for her illness and getting the necessary treatment, still keep in mind that this is often an extremely severe disorder. It is easy to take too personally what these folks say and do. Also remember that this is biological. It has nothing to do with your mothering skills or how much you love her. It does not mean you are a failure. Guilt over the past will not help you or her at this point.

6. It is good that you still are talking to your daughter. Let her know that you love her and will always want to help her, when she is ready for help. That you are praying for her and that yes - you are trying to learn more.

Giving someone to God does not mean that they don't still break our heart - espsecially our children. But it can mean that we don't try to do His job, or the other person's job. You can only be responsible for yourself and your actions. Ask God for wisdom in dealing with this - it is definitely a tough situation. And ask Him for His Peace. I will be praying for you as you continue to love and try to work with your daughter and grandchildren.

With all my heart,

Lillian