Dear Lillian:

I was so excited when I saw there was a website for relationships between Mothers and Daughters. I have a problem concerning my daughter and I would greatly appreciate your advice on what to do about it.

I am in my forties and have been divorced from her father for almost ten years now. Her father abused me mentally and physically during our marriage. I was finally able to leave him with the help of my family and a therapist.

When my daughter got married the first time, she wanted her father to walk her down the aisle. I was sick about this. But out of love for her, I went through with the whole nine yards; sat by him at the wedding and even took pictures.

But the whole ordeal made me physically ill. I have Lupus and stress can bring on an attack, even to the point of death if not stopped. I told her that I loved her and that this was my gift to her -- a day with both of her parents instead of her having to choose between us.  I had many months of nightmares and painful memories after that. Her father lives in the same town as we do and has only seen her once in two years.

Now she is getting married again. And she wants her father to be at this wedding too. She says that she has forgiven him for all the past but I can't forget all of the painful abuse. I do not want to be around him; it makes me sick. The wedding is in August and I have had to be put on medication just thinking about it. I've also started having nightmares again. I love her with all of my heart and do not want to upset her or miss her big day, but I did not tell her how I felt.

My answer has always been -- whatever makes your child happy. But Lillian, do I not matter either? It has taken me many long, difficult years to deal with my marriage and divorce and only wish I had left him sooner. When I saw your web site, I thought it was an answer from God. I am a Christian and I do not hate my ex-husband, but I do not want to be around him either. HELP!!!!

Love, 
Mother of the Bride
Illinois

Dear Mother of the Bride:

My heart goes out to you. The horns of this dilemma are sharp and painful and the intense emotion only aggravates your Lupus.

You have a painful choice and I can't make it for you. No one can. But hopefully, I can help you clarify your choices and their consequences.

Let's unravel some of the emotions that are running around here and see why they are so intense.

 The first thing we do when we have children is we sacrifice. We set aside our wants and needs and tend to theirs. You changed her diaper a thousand times, got up in the middle of the night when she was sick, held her head over the toilet while she threw up. You made sure she was always dressed cute, took her to school, made her lunch, took her to piano lessons, twirling lessons, soccer practice. You taught her about her body and her period. You took her to Sunday School and taught her about God.

All these things combine together to form what you have done for your daughter so far. So when you are thinking about your daughter and her decisions and how they affect you, all of that comes back in your mind. And you think, "Wow, I have done so much for her and couldn't she just do this one thing for me?"

But it just doesn't work that way.

The reality is we can’t expect our children to pay us back for our sacrifices. What we do for our children just continues through them to their children. Now sometimes we get a blessing or something good from our children, but that's not what we're to expect.

So many times, we as parents do things for our children and expect them to pay us back by doing what we want them to do. Wouldn't that be great? But think about that a minute. Is it even possible? I can't really think of any way that anyone could even begin to pay me for all the things I have done for my children. We can only do the things we do for our children because we love them.

That would be kind of nice if our children would always do what we want them to do as a pay back for all we have done for them while they were young. But we didn't take care of the children God blessed us with, in order to get our way, or to receive rewards. We simply did the right thing, like take care of our helpless baby, just because it was the right thing to do. And fortunately God puts a mother's love in our hearts so that we can clean that dirty diaper! But there is no debt on the child's part, except to love and care for and sacrifice for their own children.

So there's a ton of intense emotions tied up in this from the standpoint that you've done "whatever makes your child happy" and the resulting feeling that she owes you. Identify this emotion and defuse it. This is a feeling that is guaranteed to bring heartache and despair. She does not owe you. Cancel this debt.

Next, let's look at the context of the conflict. Weddings. Of all the emotional times for women, a wedding has got to be at the top of the list. Talk to any photographer, florist, caterer, minister, and ask them what their biggest nightmare is. Usually they will say, "The Mother of the Bride." And why is that? What is it about us as mothers that when it comes to this occasion, we tend to grow fangs and claws? What makes this occasion so intense?

Getting married is a big step in your daughter's life. You want so much for your child to be happy. You want so much for her not to make the same mistakes you have, especially if you've had a divorce. And then we also have this conviction that her wedding day is the most important day in a girl's life and it is her special day and it must be perfect. So what mother doesn't want to bend over backwards (more sacrifice) to make her daughter's wedding perfect?

But there is nothing in the world that is perfect. The picture of the "perfect" wedding has been glamorized to the point that the essence of the event is overshadowed by the hype. So when we go toward an event with the idea that "I've got to make this perfect for my daughter," we grow those fangs and claws. And my friend, that is a lot for anyone to bear.

Now let's really turn up the heat. Your daughter has already been divorced and now you're facing a second wedding. And the only thing more intense than a first wedding is a second wedding. You would think it would be just the opposite but it's not. At her first wedding everyone is clue-free. Everyone is so sure that everything will be just fine. But when she gets married the second time -- well now you know the potential for disaster. And you begin doubting and second-guessing.

Are we done with your worry list? Not yet. You are divorced and your husband was abusive. You have a history of depression and hospitalization. I would say that your stress is right off the top of the chart. Mine would be.

Yet choices have to be made. Let's look at those choices.

Your daughter is making a choice. It is not the choice you wish her to make. You can try to manipulate her, bribe her, use guilt, shame and all kinds of ugly negative emotions. And she might go along with you -- but for all the wrong reasons. So take just a minute and ask yourself, Can I make my daughter do what I want her to do at her wedding? And the answer is very simply, No. It is clearly her right to invite whomever she wishes to her wedding. You must accept that this is her choice.

You have control over one person. And that is you. And not only can you make a decision only about your actions, but you can choose the attitude you'll have about your decision. So here are your choices:

1. I want to be at my daughter's wedding no matter what.

or

2. I want to be at my daughter's wedding unless her father's there.

If you choose to be at your daughter's wedding, I suggest that you go, be nice and go home. Don't ever bring it up to her again. Don't remind her that she put you through this. Don't try to "collect" later because you made such a sacrifice. She doesn't owe you anything. Just go because you decided to go.

If you choose to not go to her wedding because your ex-husband will be there, you have to stay away simply because you feel it is best for you and your health. And then let it go. And you have to make that clear to your daughter. "I'm not trying to make you choose me over your father, and I'm sorry it's come down to this. But I must choose not to go."

Acknowledge to her that you're the one who picked her father, you're the one who married him and had a child by him. Not so that you'll feel guilty but just to take responsibility for your actions. Because that was your action. Any time we take responsibility for our part in a situation, it brings us a little bit of freedom. You can say to her, "You know I started this ball game. I'm the one who married this person to begin with. That was before you were born. And I'm sorry for that in your life. But now, I choose to not come to the wedding if your father is present."

But the most important part of either decision you make is your attitude. If you do not attend, you have to let her know that you are not trying to manipulate her and you are not trying to get her to change her mind. You understand that she wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. You accept her decision. Make sure she knows that you are not upset with her, and that you want her wedding day to be all that she wants it to be. Let her know that you wish the very best for her; that you love her so much. Offer to help out in other ways so that she knows your motives are good.

And then let it go!

Because if you choose this option, you can't come back and remind her of it or hold it over her the rest of her life and you can't beat yourself up the rest of your life. What you have to look at is not this wedding day, but your whole life with your daughter. Do you want your way on this one day? Or do you want a relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life? She's having to make a choice but you're having to make a choice too. What do you want? A day or a relationship?

Remember that a relationship is something that lasts over time, not just for one event. For whatever reason, if she decides to have her dad at her wedding and you choose not to attend, let that be ok. Now does that mean it doesn't hurt you? No. Does that mean you wish it could be different? Of course. But can you let that go? Yes, you can.

After reading your letter, my sense was that you were completely worn out, both physically and emotionally and that you are pretty frantic. In closing I would like to draw your attention to some verses from the Bible that I hope will be a blessing.

1. God is not the one who is keeping you upset. I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace."

2. Ask for His peace which exceeds our understanding. Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

3. Switch your focus from the situation to Almighty God. Isaiah 26:3 "Thou wilt keep Him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because He trusteth in thee."

4. God will help you make a decision. James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

5. God will help you carry this burden. I Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

It is clear to me from these verses that God knows we get upset, anxious, frustrated. That is not His plan. Read chapters from the book of the Psalms. Some of my favorites are Psalm 84, 91, 13, 23, 27, 34, 37 and 55. And ask God for His peace, His wisdom and His comfort.

My prayer for you this morning is that you will seek God's face in this situation. That you can know the wisdom and peace that can come only from Him. My prayers will be with you as you move toward the summer months.

With all my heart,
Lillian