Dear Lillian:

I am in my fifties and married, and we have two grown children, a boy and a girl. My mother died about a month ago, so this Mother's Day is going to be particularly hard. Thank God, she lived long enough that we were able to reach a fairly comfortable relationship. It wasn't easy, because for nearly 50 years, we were in a constant state of war. I never could understand her, but thanks to my younger sister, I was able to see that she was a very complicated woman and I wasn't the only one who didn't understand her.

We were both able to say "I love you," before she died, and for that I will be eternally grateful, and don't feel that I really have anything to reproach myself about. I will miss her very much.

Our son lives a few hours away. He's married and has three beautiful children. We have a very good relationship with them and are very proud of them. Our daughter lives closer, but we rarely see her. The reason for that is that she has chosen to consider herself a lesbian, and is living with another woman. This has been and continues to be devastating to us. We are Christians and believe that this is a choice on her part. All of our hopes and dreams for her are smashed and we really have nothing to talk to her about. Her life is so completely foreign to us, and we really don't want to be reminded that she's living with a woman. It breaks our hearts, and I feel as if something very valuable has been stolen from me.

My dreams of her getting married, having children -- all of the things that I looked forward to sharing with my adult daughter -- are not going to happen. When I do talk to her, I am forbidden to even mention anything of that sort. I do love her so very much, and miss what she could have been. The only thing I can do is pray. I wish I knew what to say to her. Any suggestions? 

 Dear Friend:

Your story was moving and it is good to know that you made some peace with your mother before her death. I hope you will continue to grow and work through some of the heartache you suffered in that relationship. At 48 years old, I have discovered that it is never too late to grow and make sense of things that have happened to us. Even 12 years after my mother's death. Even though she is gone. I hope you will continue to do that in your life.

My heart aches for you and your daughter. I wish I could give you a response that would just "fix" everything for the two of you. But you and I both know that it is not that easy. However, I can give you some thoughts this morning that the Lord has laid on my heart.

The first is to not give up hope.  2 Corinthians 4:8-9   "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair. persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed..."

There have been times in my life when I have knelt by my bed with my Bible open to this scripture. I would lay my face on the page and cry out to God. Because I did feel crushed. I thought I was abandoned. And the intensity of that pain was overwhelming.

But read on down in that chapter in Corinthians to verse 15. "All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God."

You may not be able to see it, but if you are a child of God, this is for your benefit. How? Why? When? I don't even pretend to know or understand this. I just know it is true. But notice the purpose of this. Not so that we will feel better or be happy in our lives. That part was always the most difficult for me. I wanted things to go my way so that I would be happy. I could be satisfied. And if I was happy and satisfied, wouldn't I be able to do more for God? That was always my reasoning and I mentioned that to God on more than one occasion, you can be sure! Whatever you are suffering, and there is no doubt in my mind that you are, it is for your benefit and God's glory.

Verse 16 "Therefore, WE DO NOT LOSE HEART. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

I know that you feel you are wasting away. In my experience as a mother and as a therapist, NOTHING can hurt you as much as something that hurts your child. Especially when you are helpless to do anything. But look at the end of verse 16. "...we are being renewed day by day." It may not look to you like anything good is happening, and it may not feel like anything good is happening. But the Bible says that you are being renewed day by day.

And then in verse 17 it talks about "our light and momentary troubles." Are you kidding here God? Light? Momentary? You may think that God must not be paying attention at all if he thinks this is no big deal. But look closer. That's not what it says. It doesn't say that your troubles are no big deal, It says that they are "light and momentary only compared to the eternal weight of glory." God knows what you are going through. And he knows how much you hurt. So he is not discounting your heartache. He is comparing it with what is to come. That's hard for us to understand. We can't see into eternity. So we have to trust him more.

So don't give up. God knows what you are going through. And he is working for your benefit and his glory.

My second thought is to give your daughter back to God. She is His anyway. And no matter how much you love her, no matter how much you grieve for her, you can't make her do what you want her to do. And I know you had dreams. Possibly dreams of shopping for a wedding dress, planning a pretty ceremony, helping her write thank-you notes for all those shower gifts from your friends. Maybe, someday a grandbaby. Not to mention wanting an adult relationship with her that is comfortable and loving. You hoped to meet her for lunch and visit on the phone. And as the song says, "My dreams turned to ashes, my castles all crumbled." And you feel you are left with nothing. Ashes.

Remember that you can never change another person, no matter how much you love them. Now here is the really hard part. Switch your focus from what you wish were changed in your daughter's life. Ask God what changes he wants to make in your life. Yuk! I know that was not what you wanted to hear. This is my unfavorite prayer when I am struggling with another person. And this is one prayer, that seems to me, God always answers immediately and clearly! As soon as the words come out of my mouth, I envision a long list rolling from God's hand, and it just keeps rolling and rolling...

I hope I don't make this sound easy. This has never been easy for me. But as I have mentioned before, relationships are worth the struggle. You may be so frustrated you could pull your hair out. You may be feeling like a failure and wondering "where you went wrong". You may be feeling like you have tried everything and nothing works. Look at the last verse in that 4th chapter of Corinthians: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Fix your eyes on what is unseen - Almighty God.

I didn't mean for this to be a whole sermon! But that passage just seemed meant for you this morning. In just a few days, it will be Mother's Day. You have fresh grief for your own mother. It has been just a month since she died. And as if that weren't enough, you may or may not hear from your daughter.

My suggestion is that if you do hear from her, be gracious and loving. Let her know how much it means to just hear her voice; to know she is alive and healthy. And thank God for those blessings. Because those are blessings.

If you do not hear from her, tell God. He knows how much it hurts not to hear from a child. It happens to him every day. And then give him thanks for the blessings in your life. From your letter, it sounds like you have a loving husband, a great sister, and a wonderful son and daughter-in-law and three grandchildren. You were able to have some amount of peace with your mother before she died. Those are tremendous blessings.

Counting our blessings does not make all the other hurts go away. But it does help remind us that God is at work in our lives. That he has not forsaken us and that he does have a plan. My prayer for you is that you will have a peaceful weekend; that you will have the grace of God to get through it and that you don't give up hope.

With all my heart,

Lillian