After my mother died, I noticed that different dates and holidays would trigger my grief. Then I would feel like I had just lost her all over again and the pain would rise up fresh in my soul.

How could I get through Christmas without her? Who would help me cook on Thanksgiving? What was I supposed to do on her birthday?

But the most difficult of all for me, was Mother's Day. The first year after she died, I could not walk into a store where they had Mother's Day cards. I wouldn't even go to the grocery store for a couple of weeks. My husband's mother was alive then, and I wasn't able to shop for her.

My own children honored me on that day, and it was difficult to accept their attention. I just wanted to scream, "The real mother is not here! How can we be having Mother's Day?"

Over the years I have come to realize that I will always miss my mother and that those feelings will never go away. I still wish I could just pick up the telephone and visit with her for a few minutes. I would tell her our news, see what she thinks of her baby girl getting gray hair, ask her advice. Sometimes I think I can't wait to see her again. To lay my head in her lap and have her rub my hair.

But that conversation and touch will have to wait until heaven. In the meantime, the severe pain has lessened through the years. I can shop, buy Mother's Day cards for friends and relatives, and enjoy the honor of my children. I don't dread the day or try to be out of town. I look forward to being with my family and enjoying the special services at church.

As we approach the Mother's Day season, you will see ads on TV for flowers and gifts, you will notice cards out in the stores, and you will hear your friends visit about what to get their mother for mother's day. But your mother is gone. What should you do?

Here are just a few ideas that might help you get through the season. By no means is this everything that you can do, nor will it totally ease your pain. Some items may not apply to you at all. But hopefully these can give you some relief as they provide direction.

1. If you know that a difficult day is coming up, get prepared. Don't expect things to "just happen" the way you want.

2. Remember that grief is very personal and individual. No one misses your mother exactly like you do. Even if you have sisters, you may each grieve for your mother in different ways and at different times. And that's ok. Don't be angry when others don't grieve on your same timetable.

3. You might want to plan some time alone to cry. If it helps you, visit your mother's grave or take flowers. Spend some time in meditation or reading.

4. Don't be bewildered if your father moves on, even remarries. The relationship with a spouse is so different from the relationship with a parent.  While he may be aware that you are grieving, and he still may be grieving too, don't expect him to feel the way you do. Remember that he didn't lose his mother.

5. Make alternative plans. The first year after my mother died, my brother and I decided to spend the day together, but someplace we had never been. (I had suggested Egypt, but we couldn't get tickets!) He brought his family over and we went to a nearby town and had Sunday dinner. We had a good time together and it helped me to just "get through the day."

6. If you did not have a good relationship with your mother, this can be the most difficult of all. Once she is gone, there is no opportunity to make your fantasies come true; no more hope for reconciliation. Again, be prepared.  While there may come a day when you can face and resolve some of these issues, don't focus on that during the holiday. Even if there seems to be just a few, remind yourself of some positive aspects of your mother.

7. Be good to someone else. As the years have passed and my wounds have healed, the Lord has brought into my life other women  who have lost their mothers. They know that I understand and that I can share their heartache. Remember that ...the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:4)

8. Count your blessings. It is true that my mother is gone. But it is also true that God has gifted me with many precious women in my life. To take her place? No. No one can do that. But these women are such a blessing to me in so many ways. Together, they help fill the gaps and holes left behind by my mother. They give me comfort, love and healing. Even in the places that she missed. And being aware of them helps me realize that as usual, God has not left me alone. I just have to open my eyes and see His blessings!

May God bless you during this Mother's Day season. If your loss is fresh, I pray that you are able to find comfort and make it through the holiday. If you are several years from your Mother's death, I pray that you will begin to find healing and be able to focus on the blessings that God has sent your way.

With all my heart,
Lillian

PS I'd like to dedicate this article to my step-mother, Linda Bridges, my aunt, Lois Schepis and life-long friend, Patsy Johnston. God made sure I had these dear women in my life when I needed them the most.