There is a great deal written about how difficult it is to get along with your mother; how intrusive mothers can be; how frustrating mothers can be; how wrong mothers can be.

But what about daughters? Are mothers the only ones with problems? The only ones who need change? What about the daughter who is married to an abusive man? Or the daughter who can't keep a job and always needs money? Then there is the  daughter who only seems to find time for her mother when she wants a baby-sitter.

As an older or middle-aged woman, we often feel caught in the middle. We feel maligned by the popular trend of "mother-bashing" and yet we feel abused by an errant daughter.  And it just seems like too much. What to do?

Here I'll discuss one of the most basic aspects of the mother-daughter relationship, yet it accounts for much of what we struggle with. Obviously, there are many other factors, but maybe this will help you get started.

Expectations - that doesn't sound so bad. Shouldn't we have expectations? Certainly. And many of them are good and healthy. Just be aware of them, their source and the amount of control they are having in your life and relationships.

1. Be aware of cultural expectations. Everyone knows that a good mother should...  Really? Says who? Be careful not to base your expectations of your relationship with your daughter on a TV show, or maybe even  a book you have read. You and your daughter are unique. Your relationship, even when healthy, will look like no other one you know.
    

2. Be aware of your personal expectations. I often find that many women are way too hard on themselves. They have set a standard of perfection and can't forgive themselves when they don't meet it. At some point, we will all mess up. This is a tough one. If you feel that you have injured your child, how do you ever forgive yourself? Some women never do.  
   

3. Identify expectations from your daughter. Do you know what they are? Are you a prisoner to her expectations? Are you afraid that if you don't do what she wants, you won't be able to see her or your grandchildren again? Does your teenager blackmail you for her affections? Just knowing what these are can be a first step in resolving some issues with your daughter.

In each of the categories above, make a list of what is expected from you. Even what you expect of yourself. You may be surprised. Note how many times the words "always" and "never" show up. It's tough to live up to some of those. Remember this:

 - When our mother doesn't live up to our expectations, we feel disappointed.

  - When we don't live up to our own expectations, we feel guilty.

 - When our daughters don't live up to our expectations, we feel hurt.

Disappointment, guilt and hurt. No one wants their relationships plagued by these horrible and pointless emotions. They accomplish nothing. Yet sometimes they seem the standard. Determine that you will make some changes in your life to eliminate some of these painful feelings. Ask God for help and guidance.

As we approach Mother's Day, some of you may be worried that you will not hear from your daughter; or maybe you will hear from her, but not to honor you. My prayer for you is that God will comfort you at this holiday; that while you may not be enjoying a good relationship with your daughter at this time, that you will find hope for the future and a peace to sustain you. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

With all my heart,
Lillian