The Lilly Pond

Mother PUH-LEASE, I'd Rather Do It Myself!

Of course, I love my mother. She's, well, after all, she's my mother. But why does she have to...well...be like she is?

You may be like my friend Kristy, who was 25 and living in her own apartment. Her mother, came to her apartment with a certain brand of furniture polish and insisted that Kristy use it and use it correctly!

Or you may relate to my neighbor, Melissa, whose mother came to her house and rearranged all of her furniture and re-hung all of her pictures.

Maybe you can understand how Sharon felt when she came home to find her mother planting her entire front flower-bed without so much as a "how do you do."

Right after Cathy got married, her mother brought some socks to her new husband with the  instructions. "Cathy should never go around with bare feet, so remind her to wear her socks." 

My own mother came to visit me one day and decided that I needed a mirror in my hall entryway. I told her that I didn't think I needed a mirror there, but thanks anyway. The next time she came to visit, she brought a mirror, and her own hammer, and just hung it up!

Deborah's mother has very little involvement in her life. When they are together, her mother is distant and seems cold. What can she do? 

Diana hasn't spoken to her mother in years. What if this is too much to overcome?

Does any of this sound familiar?

It makes sense to us that children who were abused or neglected might have conflicts with their mothers. But I had a good mother. She wasn't perfect - but she was a nice person and a good mother. So why did I have such a struggle with her? Why did it often feel like she was trying to live my life for me? 

And most of all, why was it so difficult to assert myself in her presence? I don't usually have difficulty making my ideas and wishes known. But when it came to my mother, I cratered!

The Bible tells us to honor our father and our mother.  It's one of the Ten Commandments! Then Paul repeats this admonition in his letter to the Ephesians (6:1) and reminds us that this is the first commandment with a promise.

So this makes it a little more tricky. We really want to do the right thing and give honor to our mother. But we don't want her trying to dictate every aspect of our adult lives.  Is there a balance between these two? Is it even possible to honor and respect our mother, without letting her decide how we fold our towels?

I believe there is. It will take some work and focus and it won't be easy. You have to decide if your relationship with your mother is worth the effort. I have come to realize that NOTHING in this world is more important than our relationships and this is one of the most important. So I would encourage you to read on and make the effort. There isn't space in this article to cover everything involved, so here are a few things to get you started.

1. Remember that you are not alone. This is a very common problem. When we were teenagers, it was pretty common and even popular to gripe about our parents. Oh, you think you folks are bad, listen to what mine did! As we get older, we fall more and more into wanting others to think that everything is fine in our lives, that we are in control and doing well. We don't want to sound like we are complaining or whiny. So we gradually pull in and don't reveal our frustrations with others.

2. This is extremely difficult work. Don't expect it to be easy or come naturally to you. And the closer you are to your mother, the more frustrating and aggravating it can be!

3. Making changes in relationships may take some time. Don't expect a personal injury that has been simmering for 10 or 15 years to get better in one phone call. Won't happen. What if this took you a year? Two years? Can you commit to working that long to improve things with your mother?

4. Be realistic. Don't try to make your relationship with your mother look like a TV Special or a greeting card. This will not be perfect. Why? Because there are two people involved. But could you be happy with improvement? With some peace of mind? (And folding your towels your own way?)

5. Don't use someone else as a standard. There will always be some daughter somewhere who has a wonderful relationship with her mother, and it will be so much better than yours. So what? You and your mother need to find what is healthy and comfortable for you. And that may not fit anyone else on the planet. And that is OK. (Besides if the truth were known, Sharon didn't like working in the yard that much anyway.)

As we approach Mother's Day, take the opportunity to do something good for your Mother. Even if you do not have a good relationship with her. Remind yourself that God requires you to honor her, so whatever you do, do it as unto the Lord. And then let it go. If it turns out well, that is great! If it doesn't, we'll just keep working.

With all my heart,
Lillian 

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