When Christmas Hurts

The songs tell us "It's the most wonderful time of the year," or "We need a little Christmas, right this very minute!" How about "I'll be home for Christmas," and "all is calm; all is bright." I love the familiar songs and carols as much, if not more, than the next person and I start listening to Christmas music just as soon as my children will tolerate them (or as soon as they walk out the door).

But often, for many of us, it does not seem like the most wonderful time of the year. Many people dread the holidays. There are lots of reasons that the Christmas season seems to ring in something horrible rather than something joyful.

Maybe you've gone through a divorce during the past year. As you begin making your plans around "it's my year to have him on Christmas Day and you can pick him up after lunch," you realize that your holidays will never be the same again. Or perhaps your child faces disappointment because their other parent was supposed to visit with them for the holidays and something happened to prevent that. Sometimes divorce means a new home and even new Christmas decorations. The familiar things that you have loved and that bring a feeling of comfort and peace to you are gone.

Perhaps this year brought the death of someone close to you. Maybe you lost your "better half" and truly feel that you have been ripped apart. I know one man whose wife died at Christmas. When putting away the decorations, he began to cry and shouted, "I don't ever want to see these things again!" Christmas without your spouse seems bleak and pointless. Why even put up a tree?

Or maybe you lost your mother or father this year. When we loose our parents, we are reminded even more vividly that we are no longer a child to be protected and comforted; but that we are the adults, the parents. After my mother died, I felt as if a covering had been ripped off of me and I was more exposed than I had ever been.

Many of you have suffered the loss of close friends, family members, even children. These seem even more difficult when they occur around the holidays. One woman recently wrote me that last year her young granddaughter died on Christmas Eve. This will be a difficult anniversary for her family.

There are many types of loss and so much heartache and misery in the world. And perhaps due to the expectation that at this time of the year more than any other, our lives should be joyous, wonderful, sparkling, and fulfilling, we feel instead even more alone, more of a failure, more despondent.

There have been times of heartache in my life when December began to roll around, and I wondered if I could even "do Christmas." I didn't want any presents, I didn't want to decorate my home. Sending out Christmas cards was not even an option. I didn't want to go through the motions of pretending that everything was okay when I was hurting so badly.

And then (this never fails) I would get one of those Christmas letters telling me how wonderful someone's life had been and how perfect all their children were and how successful and happy they all were. Yuk! Who are these people and why do they keep sending me these letters? Where are the real letters that say "It looks like Mom will get out on parole in time for Christmas and if Cousin Will makes it through detox, we should have the whole family together for the first time since Grandpa ran off with that stripper."

I don't have a plan or a guaranteed way to keep you from struggling through the holidays, especially if you've had a bad year. But hopefully, these suggestions will provide you a little relief. Know that they come from my heart and that I pray daily for those of you who read my ezine. Obviously, I can't call you by name. But God knows who you are. And I am counting on Him to provide you with comfort during this time of year. By now you know I am going to make a list. So here goes.

1. Do something to acknowledge Christ. Lest we forget, the purpose of this entire season is to remember that Christ came into the world to save us. When the holiday madness threatens to overtake your senses, think about one of my favorite names for Jesus: "Immanuel" which means "God with us!"

John 1:1-2 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. Verse 14: And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father), full of grace and truth."

Can you truly grasp that God came to be with us? The first Christmas in Bethlehem wasn't special because it was beautiful or sparkling or lavish. It was special because Jesus was there. And anyone who knew about the birth came and worshipped him. Include time to worship this Christmas.

Philippians 2:5-11 "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men; And, being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore, God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God, the Father."

2. Do something for someone around you. You may be completely numb and feeling as if you can't even function. You're just "going through the motions." But keep going. Someone close is having a harder time than you are and they need you. Someone within an arm's reach of you needs you to keep going for them. Maybe you have a child that is just as confused as you are about the loss you have experienced. Maybe your parent or neighbor will be alone for the first time this year. Don't try to make everything just like it's always been. Don't try to work up a feeling that's simply not going to be there. Just try to make the holiday be the best you can make it. And include the people around you that need a hand and a heart from you.

Matthew 26:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"

3. Allow someone to help you, too. Maybe this needs to be the year to have dinner at someone else's house. Or to even let someone help you shop. Many of us have a hard time accepting help from others. Someone might be trying to reach out to you in your sorrow. Let that person have the blessing of giving this year. This might be a year that you just have to "get through." (So let someone else do those dishes!)

John 13:5 "After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him."

I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses of scripture.

Isaiah 26:3 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee."

If you feel that the holidays are whirling around you; out of control, pointless and meaningless, turn your mind to God. Ask Him for the peace that only He can give. My prayer for each of you is that you will have a safe, joyful and blessed holiday. And if joy is not an option for you this year, I pray that "the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7). Amen.

With all my heart,
Lillian