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Volume 2 Issue 8: In the Pond This Week
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1. Note to My Readers: Pond Talk
2. Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child
Part 6: The Courage to Change
3. The Commercial
4. Share The Lilly Pond
5. Contact Me
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1. Note to My Readers: Pond Talk
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Dear Ponders:
We're back! I think. My brother, Bob, is able to complete a sentence without coughing and I have finally come back from a bout with the flu. (I think the flu won!) So many of you sent emails to us letting us know that you were praying and wishing us well. I can't tell you how much that meant and I appreciate hearing from you.
This week we are continuing our series on Bad Mothers and want to address an idea that faces all of us with a traumatic event in our past - The Courage to Change. Often, even if we have acknowledged that there is an issue to be dealt with, we hesitate to take that next step. We hesitate to make the change. I know from experience that change is hard and takes a great deal of courage. I hope this article will be a blessing to you as we continue to work on the relationships in each of our lives.
I have been watching your bulletin board on Pond Talk and as always, am encouraged with the feedback you have for each other. I have also had several notes, as well as comments in the Guest Book, that the Teen Articles were a blessing and continue to provide support for those of you still living in "the wonder years!" It helps me to know what is of help and where you are.
To date, we have approximately 1800 people that subscribe to the Lilly Pond Ezine and needless to say, you are at many different places in your journey. Some of you are single, some newly married, and some are great-grandmothers with everything in between! I know that everything I write will not apply to each of you. But if you know of someone struggling in an area that we are addressing, I hope you will pass the articles along.
It's good to be back and again, thank you so much for your outpouring of love and prayers on our behalf!
With all my heart,
Lillian
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2. Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child
Part 6: The Courage to Change
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Most of us are familiar with the time-worn Serenity Prayer. We have it cross-stitched on samplers, embroidered it into pillows, written it in calligraphy with flowers and hung it on our walls. Most of us can quote it by heart. Sound familiar?
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Most of the time when we think of this prayer, the emphasis is on the second and fourth lines. We often have difficulty accepting things that are not within our power to change. So this theme is often addressed in sermons, articles and therapy sessions. I must constantly remind myself that there are some things, and people, that I simply cannot change.
And when we aren't working on the second line for ourselves, we are working on the fourth line for someone else. How many times have you looked at friends, relatives or co-workers and realized that they were up against something that they could not change but they had not yet seen it for themselves? These two issues seem to come up in our daily lives on a regular basis.
TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
But rarely do I hear anyone talk about changing the things we can. I think we often assume that if we could change something, we would. Surely if a person knows that something is wrong and even knows what to do about it, that person will surely go ahead and make the change.
But that's not necessarily true.
Do you know any women who are living with a husband who beats them or abuses their children? Do you know a young person on drugs whose parents continue to give them money? These and other situations are horrible. And we wish they would stop. But they will never stop magically.
Someone has to take a stand and make something change. And it takes courage. Lots of courage.
Not every situation in our lives is as turbulent, or as clear-cut or obvious as an abusive husband or drug-addicted child. Sometimes we simply need to take a stand, do a job or make something right. And while these "small things" may seem minor in comparison, they still require a change and it still takes courage.
Recently I faced a difficult situation in my life. I continued to pray for wisdom and my prayers continued to feel flat. I finally had to face the fact that I knew what to do. I just didn't want to do it. I didn't want to make waves or make anyone angry with me. My priority was not to do what was right or needed, but to be sure that everyone liked me. Eventually, my situation came to the point where I had little choice but to take that step. So I prayed for courage. And God gave me that courage. And with the courage, he gave me grace and peace.
Whenever we talk about making changes in our lives, there are some important things to remember. I always have these in the back of my mind when you write me letters and ask me questions. I know that what I am asking you to do is hard. Please know that I never offer suggestions or counsel flippantly or that I think you just aren't trying.
Change is always hard. Even little things are hard to change. Try sitting in a different pew at your church. Try having Dad sit at a different place at the supper table. Try folding your arms across your chest the opposite direction. Try going down the grocery aisles in a different order. And these are seemingly small and insignificant things in our lives and it's still difficult to make changes.
So when we begin to discuss how we have dealt with our mother or daughter for 10, 15 or even 30 years, how much more difficult is that going to be? And often we know what we need to do. We just don't have the courage to do it.
WHY CHANGE IS SO HARD
1. We are generally dealing with those we love. Often we hear the phrase "tough love." We usually want to focus on the word "love" in that equation. But the most important word in that phrase is "tough." It is always tough to deal with someone we love when there are problems. We are desperate for the other person to know just how much we love her, in the hope that she will stop hurting us or begin a behavior that we want or just that she will love us back.
When our children are very small, we have no problems with tough love. I would imagine that there is not a mother among you that didn't take your babies for shots. You forcefully held them down on a table and let someone stick a needle in their tiny butt. And then your baby started screaming because that shot hurt and it hurt badly! And you knew that scream and hurt was coming. Sometimes, those shots made them sick for a few days.
You knew it would hurt and you knew it could make them sick and you did it anyway. And why would you do a horrible thing like that? Because you knew that the injection that would hurt and make them sick for a little while, was better than disease that could cripple them forever or possibly kill them. God deals with us in the same way.
2 Corinthians 4:17
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
Does this means that our heartaches aren't valid or that they don't cause us pain? No. But it does mean that they are "light" compared to the glory that is to come. And just as it is difficult to explain to a child that this shot that hurts so much right now is for his future good, it is difficult for us to accept that something that seems to hurt us so badly right now, is for our eternal glory. The "tough" in tough love is truly hard.
The example of the immunization is pretty clear-cut to all of us. But as our children grow older, our mothers mature, and relationships grow more complex. How do you know exactly what to do and when tough love is appropriate? Sometimes it's not clear. This is always going to be hard work in my mind. But once you get started, you know you have done the right thing and it is not quite as difficult the next time. Often, taking that first step is the hardest part of making a change.
2. Change does not bring guarantees. One of the reasons change is so scary is that we don't know how the other person will respond. When you set a limit or a boundary in your life, there is absolutely no way to tell what the other person will do. And what we fear the most is the severing of that relationship.
So what does that tell you about a relationship that holds you in suspension all the time? "You better do what I want or I won't speak to you; love you; visit you." It sounds like blackmail to me. It's hard but a change has to be made.
3. Change takes courage. There are several places that the Bible mentions courage or being courageous. Usually the reference is about an enemy, either physical or spiritual. And anything that stands between us and doing what God wants us to do can be an enemy. That includes a bad relationship. When you are in strife with someone (even if that person is your mother or your daughter) it feels like a battle with an enemy. So what does God want us to do? He is explicit about this. Love and pray for that person.
Matthew 5: 44
But I tell you:
Love your enemies
and pray for those
who persecute you.
Luke 6:27
But I tell you who hear me:
Love your enemies,
do good to those who hate you,
bless those who curse you,
pray for those who mistreat you.
When you set out to make a change, it must be because it is the right thing to do. Not because it will make the other person happy. And if you are dealing with an adult, you can't make a change in your life because it will make that person act one way or the other. You must make a change because you know it is the right thing to do or it is the right thing for you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the Lord your God goes with you;
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
4. Change takes time. There is also no time limit on what might happen as a result of your change. If you read back through the responses in Pond Talk, mothers who have risked tough love with their children did not know the end results. Many times, the children came back and they had a good relationship. But if you read carefully, you will see that this took time, sometimes several years. You can never predict how another person will respond or how long it will take.
Psalm 27:14
Wait on the Lord;
be of good courage,
and He shall strengthen thine heart.
Wait, I say, on the Lord.
If you decide to make a change in a relationship, be sure it is the right thing to do, regardless of how it might feel to you or the other person. Make sure you are doing this in love and with much prayer. And the be willing to wait and let God do His work in the other person's life.
"Wait, I say, on the Lord."
With all my heart,
Lillian
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3. The Commercial
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Many thanks to those of you who have already bought my book "Always Wear Clean Underwear."
So like the sign in the restaurant says, "If you liked it, tell somebody else." And I'd appreciate hearing from you. Just drop me an email at lil@thelillypond.com and, if you'd be so kind, mention whether I can print what you say. I'll only use your first name and state for security purposes.
And if you haven't bought it yet, it's available on the website www.thelillypond.com
With all my heart,
Lillian
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4. Share The Lilly Pond
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5. Contact Me
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Your comments are welcome. Click here to email me.
Thanks for reading!
With all my heart,
Lillian
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