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The Lilly Pond |
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January
14, 2002 |
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Greetings and thanks for subscribing to TheLillyPond.com ezine! I'm Lillian Hinds and this ezine is dedicated to all mothers, daughters and the other important women in their families. Because we respect your privacy and value your subscription, we don't share your email address with anyone. If you'd like to be removed from our mailing list, please see instructions at the end of this ezine. ================================= Volume 2 Issue 2: In the Pond This Week ================================= 1. Note to My Readers: Pond Talk 2. A letter from Mary 3. Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room: Part 4 - Setting Limits 4. A Look Back: Christmas Shopping Revelation 5. The Commercial 6. Share The Lilly Pond 7. Contact Me ================================= 1. Note to My Readers: Pond Talk ================================= Dear Ponder: Last week we posted a note, in the ezine and on the web site, from a mother whose daughter was being verbally disrespectful to her. She asked for suggestions from any of us who might have an idea on how to handle this. It has been wonderful to see so many of you respond to her and then to each other. As I have mentioned before, I used to go to my mother for help with my children. But after my mother died, it seemed imperative for me to find another wise counselor. My friend, Kaye, had children that were just a few years older than mine. When my children were in junior high, hers were in high school. My children are now in college and hers are married and having babies. She is always generous with her advice and wisdom and I am grateful for her. But not everyone has a "Kaye" in their life. However, here at The Lilly Pond, we have a multitude of women who subscribe to this ezine, and in that great number, I feel there has to be a wealth of problem-solving techniques. So thank you for responding this week to our Very Hurt Mother. I am also proud (but not surprised) at how you have responded with love and respect. Your Sweet Spirit is evident and I praise God for this. This week on Pond Talk, a woman has posted a note wanting to know how to get her 22-year-old daughter to clean her room. I know that many of you have faced this situation and I hope that you will respond to this mother. In the meantime, if you still have thoughts for the mother with the Disrespectful Daughter, those comments are still in place. In addition, someone else responded to my article on the Wedding Mom who was on a tight budget. Some of you with experience may have some more ideas in that area too! One of the most important aspects of this ministry is to remind us that we are never alone. Whatever you are going through, someone else is going through and yet another has already been through and has come out on the other side. Someone is walking your path. We just have to find each other and let the Lord lead us together. In that vein, one of our readers, Mary, wrote about her son who has leukemia. This is beyond our human ability to resolve with suggestions, but we can band together as a Christian community in prayer for God's healing and God's will in Mary's life and her son's. If you like you can post your prayer commitment on Pond Talk as I know this will be of tremendous encouragement and comfort to Mary. Ecclesiastes 4:10-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. With all my heart, Lillian ================================= 2. A Letter From Mary ================================= Hi Lillian, First I just want to say, "Thank you." Your site is not only helpful but uplifting. I sometimes find myself in a blue slump and it helps me to read other stories and note the issues others face. My son has leukemia. He is now 23 yrs old and just finished 34 months of chemotherapy. I find myself quite frightened many times, like tonight, but your site helps me put it into perspective. I feel as though I just need to vent tonight. He is having a reoccurrence of pain and it is very frightening since it is the same pain he had days before being diagnosed. Thank you. Yes, I would be very pleased for all the prayer one could rally the heavens for in terms of my son being cured. We have realized many blessings and I know God will continue to show us His presence. Thank you again. I will continue to support your site and spread the word. Mary ================================= 3. Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room: Part 4 - Setting Limits ================================= In our last Teen article, we discussed some times to stay out of a teen's life. Here, we will turn that around and talk about when it's really important to be in your teenager's life. Your presence is required in the area of setting boundaries. You can call these limitations, rules or even guidelines for your child. The responsibility of guiding your child's life is critical and one that you cannot avoid. It certainly won't be easy as teens resist having limitations put on them in any area. And your teen will go out of her way to get around these limitations and to get around you! Here are some tips for setting rules. 1. Say them out loud and be clear. Never assume that your child knows that "we always do this and you know it!" If you have a requirement of your teenager, pick a time when you are not angry, and give them your instructions in as few words as possible. Tell them what, when and how. Here are some examples taken from real people I know! Your rules will be different according to what you do at your house. But this will give you an idea to start with. Before you put your make-up on in the morning, you will clean the litter box. You must do this every day. (This for a 13-year-old who desperately wants to wear make-up to school.) Her mother keeps her make-up bag until she sees that the litter box has been cleaned. As soon as we finish supper, you will clear the table and load the dishwasher, every weeknight. (This girl gets weekends off.) Before you can leave the house with friends on Friday or Saturday, your room must be cleaned and vacuumed. (Be sure to define clean.) You may not talk on the phone after 10:00 p.m. on school nights and after 12:00 a.m. on weekends. Before you can work on your car, you must take out the trash every evening. You must be home by 11:00 p.m. If you and your friends change locations, you must call home and let us know where you will be. Remember that some rules are temporary. When our girls were learning to drive, we didn't allow them to drive with friends in the car or drive with the radio on. Obviously, we lifted those restrictions as their experience grew. As they grew older, we allowed them to stay up later, even talk on the phone later, as long as they got up on time for school and did not disturb us. (I have to have my beauty sleep!) We made exceptions to curfew for special school functions or some church activities. 2. Be consistent in enforcing your rules. If you truly want your daughter to keep her curfew, then you have to be standing at the door making sure she is home at the right time. I work with lots of parents that want their children to behave, but don't want to do the work involved in making sure that they do. My favorite example of this was a mother who brought her 14 year old daughter in for counseling. The "problem" was that the daughter would not stay home in the evenings. I told the mother that she could just stand in front of the door and refuse to let her daughter leave. But the mother insisted that she worked hard all day and needed to "go out" and enjoy herself. She wanted the teenager to stay home and take care of younger children. I wanted to shake this mother until her teeth rattled. The daughter was just acting like a child with no boundaries. And the mother wasn't willing to forgo her own pleasure to enforce them. Being a parent is hard work and don't you ever forget it. If you are going to set rules, you must be willing to be present to see that they are obeyed. 3. Don't lecture. Teens will tune you out the minute they sense a lecture coming on. "When I was your age..." My guess is that when you were their age, you weren't worried about AIDS or fellow students shooting you in the hall at school. My mother was raised in northern Kansas close to the Nebraska line. She used to continually tell me about how cold it was on their farm, doing chores in the winter, breaking the ice in the milk bucket and walking to school in the snow. At the time, we lived in Houston, Texas, in a suburban neighborhood. I looked out my window to concrete streets and more buildings. I longed to even see some snow and thought cows were probably cute. Her lectures went right past me and often caused us heartaches. (This was during the age of mini-skirts and go-go boots. Good grief...) You may never close the "generation gap." That's ok. Don't even try while they are teens. 4. Don't explain. At least not while he is supposed to be mowing the lawn. As long as you are explaining, he is not doing his chore. Let your teen know that you will be glad to give them an explanation on their time. You want them to understand responsibility and being reliable. But not until after she is finished with those dishes. In addition to making your life easier during these difficult years, remember that teens need these boundaries and guidelines. This will give them the security that they need during these turbulent years. They may be angry with you, but they will never doubt that you care about them. Setting some specific rules can give your teen an "out" if they need one. I told my children that they were always free to make me and their Dad "the bad guys." And sometimes they did. When they were caught in a bind, they assured their cronies that their Mother would be furious if they went to a certain place. I was often painted as even more strict (and probably hateful!) than I really was. And sometimes I didn't learn about this until years later. Remember that setting boundaries for your teen teaches them to eventually set boundaries for themselves. They learn to respect privacy, another person's space and belongings, and to be on time. They learn what it means to trust and be trusted and how important those are in our lives. These are all signs of maturity and areas where we long for our children to be adults. It will take a lot of practice and they won't learn these things without it. Be prepared to be "the bad guy" in your child's life for a few years. It will eventually pay off and someday your daughter may just come up and thank you for this demonstration of your love. With all my heart, Lillian =================================== 4. A Look Back: Christmas Shopping Revelation =================================== Lillian, I always love getting and reading your email! I especially love having the time to go to your site and nose around, so to speak. It is so wonderful hearing about the joys shared between mother's and daughters and very sad to hear of women who do not have this blessing, for one reason or another, in their lives. I would love to share a "Mom" moment with you... I hate shopping! Not just dislike, but, hate it. I would rather have a pap smear and a root canal. But My Mother and my 2 daughters live to shop! When Christmas arrived I was hardly in the mood. In November we lost my nephew's wife to a devastating auto accident. She was only 26 years old, and was expecting a child in only days. The baby was delivered and despite medical science, prayers and a great deal of hope, he too left us. So, as you must imagine, Christmas was not high on my priority list and neither was shopping. I simply wanted to lick my wounds. Never the less, off we went to the dreaded mall. After hours of pushing, walking, trying on, and purchasing, I thought we could go. But, Mom discovered that she had forgotten one recently acquired great grandchild. So off she and my girls went and I stood about and sulked. I wandered about a bit and as I returned, I saw them finally standing in line. I was ready to rejoice. I stood a ways off and watched them together. Then Something happened. Kinda like when the Grinch's heart grew!!! I watched as they held possessively to one another's hands, as they inclined their heads together and laughed at some silly joke. I saw my Mother in my girls, in the way they move, the way they are learning to laugh at life and to seize every blessing by remaining joyful and most importantly, I saw pure unadulterated love in their eyes and realized that this is truly the magic of Christmas! I am not a person who cries easily. But I stood there in the middle of a crowd of strangers and as I cried, I asked God's forgiveness for almost allowing this precious time to slip away from me. I still miss the family that is gone and the ache is still there, but watching my Mother love my girls began to restore my soul and taught me a little something about shopping!!! Sherri ================================= 5. The Commercial ================================= Thanks to all who have bought my book "Always Wear Clean Underwear." I pray you have received a blessing from reading it. In the chapter entitled "Pull Someone Along" I relate the story of my mother's cancer and how she came to deal with it because she knew she needed to be able to relate to and help someone coming behind her. And she was right. A missionary's wife was stricken and Mother was prepared. The other side of that equation is that when we are burdened or hurt, we can look for comfort and guidance from others who have already traveled the same road to "pull us along." The book is intended to be fun and entertaining but there is more to it than the funny "clean underwear" story. One woman, a school teacher who spends her days nurturing so many others, told me she found nurturing for herself there. You may find something completely different. I pray you find what you are looking for. It's available on the website www.thelillypond.com With all my heart, Lillian ================================= 6. Share The Lilly Pond ================================= If you know someone who would enjoy having The Lilly Pond ezine, please feel free to forward this issue to them. If you received this ezine from a friend and you'd like to subscribe, you can go to www.TheLillyPond.com and subscribe for free or just click here to send an email to us with "SUBSCRIBE" in the Subject line. Thanks. ================================= 7. Contact Me ================================= Your comments are welcome. Click here to email me. Thanks for reading! With all my heart, Lillian ================================= |
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