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The Lilly Pond |
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November 25, 2001 - Issue 18 |
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Greetings and thanks for subscribing to TheLillyPond.com ezine! I'm Lillian Hinds and this ezine is dedicated to all mothers, daughters and the other important women in their families. Because we respect your privacy and value your subscription, we don't share your email address with anyone. If you'd like to be removed from our mailing list, please see instructions at the end of this ezine. =============================== Issue 18: In the Pond This Week =============================== 1. Note to My Readers: 2. Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room: Part 2 - Who Will They Be Today? 3. Email from Reader Linda 4. Share The Lilly Pond 5. Contact Me =============================== 1. Note to My Readers: Update =============================== Dear Lilly Ponder: This week we continue with our series on raising teens. I have received many responses to my article on teenagers that came out last week in the Lilly Pond E-Zine. This seems to be a much-needed topic. Many of you do not currently have teens at home, but have been passing these along to friends and relatives who do. A few of you have had difficulty ordering my book on-line. I appreciate you writing to me and letting me know. This usually has to do with the settings on your computer. However, if you have ordered on-line before from other sites and have had no difficulty, send me an email and let me know. I want everyone to have a book that wants one (or five). Thanks! Thanks for your encouragement and your support. And thanks for reading. With all my heart, Lillian =============================== 2. Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room" Part 2: Who Will They Be Today? =============================== Of all the developmental stages that humans pass through, I think being a teenager is one of the most interesting. Since I work with this age group, I get to see them in all shapes, sizes, colors, intelligence quotients, abilities and personalities. But regardless of their differences, all teens go through this developmental stage. What makes this stage so unique is that a teenager seems to be a half-breed - part adult and part child. They finally have their "adult brain." All the connections are in place and they have the capacity to think in abstract concepts. They can comprehend ideas like courage, freedom, loyalty and devotion. Teens are beginning to understand accountability and responsibility, but often don't know what to do with either one. They are acutely aware of injustice (especially as it applies to them) and often have a clear moral view of how "the world should be." Teens usually come home from church camp and are able to clearly see how the adults have messed up the church and what should be done to change it (sometimes they are right). After a day in Teen Court, they want to take on the American justice system and right all those wrongs. While they are not as concrete as their younger siblings, they still tend to view the world as black or white and they are confident that they know what to do to make everything completely right. But what they lack is experience that comes with adulthood. So their actions can still be very child-like. This makes things very confusing for them and for their parents. In an attempt to stretch her wings and prove her adulthood, your teen will want to drive to another state and attend a concert, assuring you all the while of how grown up she is. The next day she will forget her history project and call you to bring it to school. Your son might want an extra hour of curfew because "he is not a child anymore" but can't find one of his soccer shoes in the black hole that is his room. I thought this confusion was best illuminated by one of my daughter's teachers her Senior year in high school. On the first day of school, the teacher told her classes, "You are old enough to elect a president, die for your country, and make a baby. You are old enough to bring your English book to class." Your goal is to let your child assume more and more responsibility until they have demonstrated that they can perform an adult task without your supervision. But it is often difficult to let that apron string loosen bit by bit. My family lives off of a very busy thoroughfare and it is necessary to either drive on it or cross it to go anywhere in our town. When my children got their driver's licenses, I had a difficult time letting them finally drive alone. I was making myself sick worrying about their safety. I finally asked a friend for help. She asked me if I wanted my children to be able to drive? Well, certainly I wanted them to be able to drive. Some day. She told me about her neighbor that had been too fearful for her daughter to learn to drive a car. The neighbor's daughter was now 25 years old and couldn't drive herself anywhere. Naturally, I didn't want that! But how was I to get from age 16 to age 25 with my sanity intact? With several sleepless nights and lots of prayer. There were some bent fenders and some traffic tickets. But we made it through. I still pray for my children's safety on a daily basis, especially when I know they are driving. For a child living at home, your presence should always be felt. This means that you know where they are, what they are doing, and you are close by for a safety net should they need your help. Where does that leave you? Your teen thinks she is old enough to make her own decisions. Your experience tells you she is not. This is a combination guaranteed to create strife, sometimes on a daily basis, in your home. So how do you parent through this difficult developmental stage? Here are some tips: 1. Let them suffer consequences. This will help balance your teen's desire for adulthood and your responsibility to continue monitoring their development. For example, if they get a speeding ticket, they should pay the fine, help with damages to the car or with the increase in your car insurance. If your teen has a checking account and writes a bad check, let them go through the process of paying those fines, and cleaning up the mess involved. Help them understand, this is not punishment, this is just part of the consequences of living life as an adult. 2. Call attention to the constraints on your own freedom even thought you are an adult. For example, I explained to my children (many times) that accountability for their location was not due to lack of trust, but the presence of courtesy and love. My husband and I always let each other know where we will be because we love and care for each other. Not because we don't trust each other. As my children began to notice this, they were less resentful of checking in when they realized that Mom and Dad were checking in too. Because that's what adults do. 3. Remember to call their attention (as well as yours) to their behavior when they get it right. Don't take it for granted that your son has driven for a year without a ticket. Not every teenager does that. Let him know that you are proud of his responsibility. If your daughter has a job and keeps up with homework, make sure she knows that you recognize her adult behavior. If your child handled a crisis of some sort and did it well, let them know. It will give them the support they need to keep moving forward and will also let you know that you are making some progress. This time of their life takes more patience than any other. It will definitely feel like two steps forward and three steps back. Nowhere in a child's development does the landscape change so much on a daily basis as with their progression to adult behaviors. But they do progress and grow into adults. One of my favorite stories of a teen trying to grow up involves Jennifer, the daughter of one of my best friends. When Jennifer got her driver's license and a car, she was so excited and couldn't wait to drive to school alone. But she couldn't remember how to drive to the school and had to ask her parents for directions! Today Jennifer is a responsible young adult. She even has a job traveling and does an excellent job of finding her way! So don't get discouraged. Remember, this is a stage and one that your child will pass through. Then tomorrow night when your teen realizes that he left his asthma inhaler in his locker at school, you won't feel quite so bad! =============================== 3. Email from Reader Linda =============================== Here is a letter from a woman whose loss is fresh and has found some comfort on the web site. Dear Lillian: I stumbled across your ezine & am a new subscriber. I lost my mother in January 2001 after a decade long chronic illness resulting in her residing in a nursing home on hospice the last 4 months of her life. She was undoubtedly the 'best' Mom in the world in my eyes. We were inordinately close as we lost my father in 1961. It's getting more difficult instead of easier & reading & empathizing with you helped. I try concentrating on gratitude which she taught me many decades ago, but it's still so very hard. I'm looking forward to reading your articles to help me get through this rough period particularly with the holidays & so many sad anniversaries approaching. I can't seem to do much of anything but get through work, then hibernate at home though outwardly to others, I'm sure I appear 'normal' as I've always been the one to 'lean on'. If I hadn't gotten online a month after she died, I don't know how I would have survived without the distraction of research on the web. Thank you for the website, I'm 'leaning' on it since finding it yesterday & wish it would come more often though I've only received my first one today. Sincerely, Linda =============================== 4. Share The Lilly Pond =============================== If you know someone who would enjoy having The Lilly Pond ezine, please feel free to forward this issue to them. If you received this ezine from a friend and you'd like to subscribe, you can go to http://www.TheLillyPond.com and subscribe for free or just click here to send an email to us with "SUBSCRIBE" in the Subject line. Thanks. =============================== 5. Contact Me =============================== Your comments are welcome. Click here to email me. Thanks for reading! With all my heart, Lillian =============================== |
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