|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Lilly Pond |
|
November 15, 2001 - Issue 16 |
|
Greetings and thanks for subscribing to TheLillyPond.com ezine! I'm Lillian Hinds and this ezine is dedicated to all mothers, daughters and the other important women in their families. Because we respect your privacy and value your subscription, we don't share your email address with anyone. If you'd like to be removed from our mailing list, please see instructions at the end of this ezine. =============================== Issue 16: In the Pond This Week =============================== 1. Note to My Readers: Update 2. Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room: Part 1 -- Introduction 3. Share The Lilly Pond 4. Contact Me =============================== 1. Note to My Readers: Update =============================== Dear Lilly Ponders: Woo Hoo! The Lilly Pond web site has a face lift! Take a look at the regular address: thelillypond.com You can get to any article with just two or three clicks so everything should be easier to find. All the ways to contact me, to send a story or to send a question or to make a comment, have all been consolidated under one button: "Contact Lillian" So this is much more simple. And I've added a "bulletin board" called Pond Talk where you can talk among yourselves. You can ask a question or make a comment and others who visit the web site can respond. The techies call it a "discussion web" but I just see it as visiting across the back fence. And the biggest news of all, my book is finished. It's called "Always Wear Clean Underwear." If you've read any of my articles, you know that I like to have a little fun, but I also try to provide you some real solid tips for working through very real mother daughter relationship problems that we all face. So my book is about more than "clean underwear." A lot more. You're really going to want this book and the proceeds help us sustain the work we are doing with mothers and daughters at The Lilly Pond. You can see it and buy it on the new web site. In this issue of the ezine, I'm starting a new series of articles on raising teenagers. Perhaps I should have called it "The Survival Course For Raising Teenagers" because that's what many of us feel like we need. But instead, I'm calling it "Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room?" If you don't have teenagers, you probably know somebody who does. Maybe they're having problems with their teens. Or maybe they aren't. If they haven't had problems yet, they probably will. Don't wait. Forward this ezine to them with a note and encourage them to go to web site and subscribe to the ezine for free to get the remaining articles in the series. Thanks for your encouragement and your support. And thanks for reading. With all my heart, Lillian =============================== 2. Who's That Stranger Living in My Little Girl's Room" Part 1: Introduction =============================== It was nearly 9:00 o'clock at night. Karen, a 14-year-old high school freshman, had just come in from a school activity and was asking Mother if she could go out with friends. Once again, Karen hadn't cleaned her room. Dirty clothes in heaps, clean clothes in piles, plus textbooks, papers, make-up and pompoms completely covered the floor of her bedroom. Unbelievable but true. Karen's mother was frustrated and angry. Already overloaded with the stresses of a full time job and her studies for a college degree, Mother had just dragged herself home after an evening at the high school watching Karen in yet another activity. One look at Karen's room and she felt completely overwhelmed by having to keep up with husband, children and housekeeping. And now Karen was asking to go out and have fun with her friends. These days it seemed that Karen spent every waking moment trying to get out of the house and away from her parents. Mother was exhausted and angry. She felt alone and dismayed. Could no one else see how dirty the house was? Didn't anyone understand that she still had homework to do? And now she had to try to think about whether or not it was wise to let her teen-age daughter leave the house and go someplace with friends. Her head hurt and she couldn't concentrate. And something inside of her seemed to break. Mother began screaming at Karen. She screamed until she was hoarse. She screamed until the younger daughter, age 8, began to cry. Her husband was tense and frustrated. He tried to intervene but Mother just kept screaming him down. Karen tried to talk to her mother but nothing would get through. Karen also began to cry and started shouting. In total exasperation, Mother picked up the object nearest to her hand, a hairbrush, and threw it at Karen. Everything in the room seemed to stop. Mother began to cry and finally told both girls to go to their rooms. Father tried to help Mother calm down and catch her breath. They could hear their teenager in her room, sobbing and tearing up magazines. This was an all-American family. What had happened? What was going on? How had things gotten so bad? If any of this sounds familiar to you, you probably have a teenager in your home. You probably feel you've been pushed to do and say things you would never have thought possible. You are frustrated, worried and completely exhausted. The scene pictured above also sounds familiar to me. Because I'm the mother in this story. If anyone had told me years earlier that I would throw something at one of my children, I would have laughed it off and said "liar." That could never happen to me. But it did. Raising teenagers is one of the hardest things I've ever done. This phase of a child's life not only takes a great deal of energy on your part, it takes an emotional toll that can leave you feeling defeated and weary. While your teen is struggling and raging through a difficult developmental stage, often you would just like a moment's peace or maybe an evening with your spouse. And at the end of the day when you're sitting anxious and angry waiting for that teen to come home, you wonder if you have done anything right and if either of you will survive this time. As your teen walks out of the house after another round of arguing and fighting, you lay aside your frustration and guilt to worry if she will be safe and where she might go. Over the next few weeks, The Lilly Pond will be presenting a series of articles on parenting teenagers. We'll explore some of the difficulties involved in this age group. As with all of my articles, I don't have the final or only answer. I hope to offer some thoughts that will help you understand what is happening at your house, and some tactics you might try in dealing with your teen. There's rarely only one solution to whatever problem you're facing and I want to encourage you to use every resource at your disposal. While many of the problems that parents face are universal, you may be dealing with a specific challenge that I won't cover here. Don't despair and don't give up. Be willing to scour the earth for the help you need. What makes this such a difficult time for parents and children alike? Why are teens so frustrating? Why are they able to "get to us" during this time of our lives like no other era we live through? How long does this phase last? Is there hope for a relationship with your teen when this is all over? Do other people have these same problems? You worry with them that they won't be accepted or have friends. You struggle to help them feel good about how they look and what to wear. You beat a drum for education, good grades and making something of their lives. You agonize that they might be having sex, using drugs or contemplating suicide. You weep with despair as the child of your heart turns on you and screams, "I hate you, you're stupid and I never want to see you again!" But it is almost easier to have them yell at you than shrug their shoulders, roll their eyes and walk away. And when the clock rolls around to that curfew hour and they still are not home, your heart lurches in your chest as the phone rings, fearful that it is the hospital or the police with the most dreaded words a parent can ever hear: "I have your child here." As exasperating as they can be, teens can also be wonderful people. This is why they're such a challenge. Over my career as a mental health therapist, I've worked with hundreds of teenagers, mostly teenage girls. And I've discovered that I truly like teenagers. As we embark on this frustrating, satisfying, irritating, exciting, demoralizing, wonderful, agonizing, amazing journey to parent a teen, let me give one thought that applies to everyone in all situations: do not try this alone. You must have God's help. Be willing to take your child in prayer to your Heavenly Father. We're often willing to complain about our teenager to anyone who will listen, but we're unwilling to take our broken heart to God and ask for His help. Here are some thoughts to guide you as you pray. 1. Ask God for wisdom in making decisions that relate to them. 2. Ask God for patience when you're so frustrated and at the end of your rope. 3. Ask God for courage to take a stand with them when you have to tell them something hard. 4. Ask God for love when you're empty and feel there's nothing left. 5. Ask God for understanding when they're facing a challenge that's foreign to you. (I never had to worry about kids having guns at my high school!) 6. Ask God for strength when they have worn you completely out. Prayer for that teen may be new to you or it may be something you have practiced for years. But here's something you may not have tried. This week, let your teen hear you pray aloud for her. Ask her if she minds if you pray before she leaves for school. If she's angry and tells you "no," pray after she leaves. But if she says, "OK," pray a simple and short prayer from your heart. Don't try to fix your relationship or get her to clean her room in your prayer. Just ask God to protect her and be with her at school. Amen. Mornings are usually a hectic time in our house. My husband and I are trying to get ready for work, take out the trash, make sure the dog is in, take bills to the mail box, find out who will be home late and what is planned for the evening, and maybe thaw something for supper (thinking all the while that pizza sounds good). And we're trying to get our teen out of bed, ready for school, and on her way. Prayer in the mornings is usually not even a thought much less a priority. But I must confess to you that in the past two years, there have been days when we couldn't do anything else. Our hearts were so heavy and our spirits so grieved, there was nothing to do but pray before we left the house. And pray out loud. And let her hear us. I'll end this introductory article with my mother's favorite verse. Because often in our daily lives, especially when dealing with teenagers, we feel that we've been eaten alive, devoured, consumed. And that there's nothing left. Take heart and don't lose hope! God promises to be new for you every morning. And He is faithful. With all my heart, Lillian Lamentations 3:22-23 It is because of His mercies that we are not consumed; His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness. =============================== 3. Share The Lilly Pond =============================== If you know someone who would enjoy having The Lilly Pond ezine, please feel free to forward this issue to them. If you received this ezine from a friend and you'd like to subscribe, you can go to http://www.TheLillyPond.com and subscribe for free or just send an email to thelillypond@thelillypond.com and put "SUBSCRIBE" in the Subject line. Thanks. =============================== 4. Contact Me =============================== Your comments are welcome. Click here to email me. Thanks for reading! With all my heart, Lillian =============================== |
|
|
|
Special Article |
|
Order
Lillian's Book: |
|
Previous
Feature Series: |
|
What is YOUR bathroom doing for International Relief efforts? |
