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The Lilly Pond |
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August 17, 2001 - Issue 12 |
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Greetings
and thanks for subscribing to TheLillyPond.com ezine! I'm Lillian Hinds
and this ezine is dedicated to all mothers, daughters and the other
important women in their families. Its goal is to give you a lift and
inspire you with enjoyable true stories from you and from me about
mother-daughter relationships. Because we
respect your privacy and value your subscription, we don't share your
email address with anyone. If you'd like to be removed from our mailing
list, please see instructions at the end of this ezine. =============================== Thank you for your
patience during the few weeks. We’ve had our share of “challenges.”
First, Internet server was down for a couple of days. It was pretty scary.
Suddenly, The Lilly Pond was just gone! (Where did it go?) I wonder if it
went to the same place where socks go when you put them in the dryer? Then I received an
e-mail that contained an attachment on it that I downloaded. It was the
dreaded “Code Red” virus. Very disconcerting. Fortunately my virus
scan caught it and I was able to delete before any damage was done. The
old rule for your personal email was “never open attachments to email
from someone you don't know.” Now this virus is
able to invade your friend’s computer and send itself to everyone on
your friend’s email address list. Now this includes YOU! So the new rule
is “never open attachments to any email, even from friends, unless
you’re expecting it from your friend.” Of course, this
puts us in a bind here at The Lilly Pond. About 90% of my Lilly Pond mail
is from people I don't know! So I’m going to always open your email. But
I can no longer download any more attachments. PLEASE NOTE: Don’t send
anything in an attachment. Open your attachment, highlight what you want
to send, do a cut and paste into the email itself and send it on. I’ll
read it all. Working on this
web site, writing articles and responding to your letters have made me
realize some things in my own life. 1. I have not
always encouraged relationships in my husband’s family. It is easier to
focus on "my people" and let his relatives get by as best they
can. While I am not responsible for their relationships, how often they
get together, etc., I can still make an effort on their behalf. And when
they do make plans, I can participate with my whole heart, with a sweet
attitude and with a loving spirit. My husband has
lost both of his parents, his step-dad and several older aunts and uncles
during the past ten years or so. He has one brother that he had not seen
in several years. We recently made plans to visit and the day was
wonderful. Mostly because the two brothers had the opportunity to visit,
reminisce, and just enjoy each other. It made my heart ache to realize
that we live so close (about 80 miles away) and do not get together any
more often than we do. Am I the one who prevented them from getting
together? No. But neither
have I encouraged it. 2. I have not
always had a sweet spirit about people connected to my family. My husband
and I have been married for over 18 years. But this is a second marriage
for both of us. Have I always been kind about his first wife? My first
husband? Other people in my family have had divorces, step-children,
remarriages. It is easy to be catty and sarcastic at someone else's
expense. I am ashamed to say that I have often been unkind with my words
and God has recently convicted me of this. We are supposed to "build
each other up". And I have discovered that I have more influence than
I realized with my spoken words. So I have determined in my heart that I
will use that influence in a positive way, and try to encourage people
toward the Lord and toward what is right. 3. I have been
somewhat lazy about getting with my own family. It takes effort. It takes
turning off the television. It takes putting down that novel I'm reading.
And now it takes getting up from the computer. But what in the world is
more important than the people we love? Nothing. This past week I visited
my Aunt Joyce who lives out of state. I apologize to you all as this was
during the time I usually write my e-zine.
I had not seen her in six years (since my grandmother's funeral)
and the drive to her house took five hours. It was a quick
trip and I was truly exhausted when I got home. But the time together was
so precious. My daughters were able to go with me. This particular aunt is
20 years younger than my mother. Yet in so many ways, they are alike.
Since both of my girls were young when my mother died, being with Aunt
Joyce gave them insight into what my mother was like. And one daughter
later admitted that being with Aunt Joyce helped her to understand me!
(Who knew?) It would have been
easier not to go. It would have been easier to stay at home, finish my
laundry, read a book, and write my e-zine. But I can't tell you how glad I
am that I went. As I have been writing to you about relationships with
your mothers and daughters, I realize that I want to make more effort with
my own family. It is too easy to let time just slip by. It is too easy to
put off that trip, that letter, that phone call. I am making a commitment
in my own life to "practice what I preach" and work on the
relationships at my end too! I want to thank
each of you for the opportunity that you have given me to write and
connect with you. This has been so much fun to write to you and hear from
you. I am grateful to God for the chance to continue changing and growing
in my own life as well. You all have been a big part of that. Please keep
writing and sending me your stories. Don't worry if you think they don't
sound "just right." I have a wonderful editor and she will take
that Red Pen and work you over! With all my heart, =============================== Just knowing
that you cared enough to write your story will help encourage others to
write theirs. And YOU DON'T KNOW whom your story will touch. So, write me
your story, and see instructions for submissions at the end of this ezine.
=============================== Dear
LillyPonders: I
want to thank you for your many wonderful letters about this series. Among
them is this one from the mother who inspired the series in the first
place when she said “my daughter hates me” and reached out for help. I
cherish this letter and the opportunity she has given me to respond while
hopefully helping others as well. Second
Letter from Heartbroken Mother Dear
Lillian: I
wanted to take a moment and say thank you for addressing the problems I am
experiencing with my precious daughter. I am carefully following
everything you are outlining in your column in an effort to call a truce
and smoke the peace pipe with her. I feel hope for the first time in a
long time. God bless you and your efforts to bring healing and restoration
between estranged mothers and daughters everywhere. Thank you for offering
hope in what looks like a hopeless situation. God richly bless you.
My Daughter Hates
Me -- Part 5 - YOU GO FIRST Rifts between two
people are so painful. Both of you are hurt, angry and frustrated.
Sometimes you wonder, "How did all this get started
anyway?" Often, the cause of the break is something pretty big and
important. I talked with one
lady recently who got married at age 18. Only one of her six older
siblings attended her wedding. It was very painful for her, and to this
day she isn’t sure why the rest didn't come. Another woman
struggles with her mother who does things for all the other daughters
except her. When she confronted her mother, the response was,
"You’re so self-sufficient. You don't need me like they do." The
Big Things Funerals can
usually generate some hurt feelings. Emotions are strained. People have
been stretched to their limit with the care of someone who has been ill or
they are numb with the shock of sudden death. Either way, it’s a
vulnerable time for everyone involved and it’s easy to be hurt. Maybe
someone took Grandmother's favorite quilt after her death, and you have
never really gotten past the fact that the quilt should have been yours. Addiction, abuse
and neglect can all be a huge start of estrangement that may last for many
years. Money is a pretty big divider also. Nothing gets people so angry so
quickly as the topic of money borrowed or loaned. Ironically, the person
who borrowed the money is usually more angry than the person who loaned
it! The
Little Things At other times, no
one is really sure what started it all. Maybe one person didn't call the
other as expected. Maybe a word was misunderstood. Perhaps an instruction
was taken the wrong way. You were supposed to meet somewhere, and one of
you didn't show up. You were trying to help and were reprimanded and told
to mind your own business. Maybe
you were criticized just one too many times, and you felt like, "I
don't have to take this anymore" and you haven't been back. Regardless of how
it started, you feel the loss of this relationship strongly and you want
to do what you can to heal the wound. But who should go first? After all,
you didn't start it. You’re not the one who was hateful at the funeral.
You’re not the one who neglected someone's birthday. You’re not the
one who didn't pay the money back. You were the last one to try to call.
So who should go first? You should. But, you might
argue, that doesn't make sense. I’m the one who was wronged. I’m the
one who should be mad and hurt. That may all be true. But you are also the
one I am talking to. And you are the one who wants things to be better;
who wants things to be healed. If I could pick,
I’d always pick the parent to go first. But that doesn't always work. So
whether you are the grandmother, mother or daughter, you go first. God's
Went First Remember that when
we were in the wrong, God loved us first. Even after we crucified His Son,
He went first. The Bible says that we were His enemy and He still went
first. "In that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
(Romans 5:8) He not only loved us but (here is the toughest part) He
forgave us. Also remember that when you are trying to forgive someone for
a hurt, you are going to need Christ's forgiveness to do this. You will
probably not have it in your human heart to forgive someone. This always makes
me think of the book “The Hiding Place” by Corrie ten Boom. Most of
Corrie's family died in German concentration camps during World War II.
After surviving the camps, she was speaking in Europe on God's forgiveness
and healing to that war-torn continent. After one particular meeting, a
man came up to her, offered her his hand and asked for her forgiveness. He
had been one of the guards at the camp where she and her sister had
endured so much and where her sister had eventually died. Corrie knew she
could never forgive this man for the suffering he caused her sister. But
God could. And Corrie had His forgiveness in her heart. She made the
conscious decision to forgive this man because God had commanded it. As
she extended her hand, God gave her the love she needed and warmed her
heart. She had done her part; she had obeyed. And God did his part. He
gave her the grace she needed. Matthew 6:14-15 --
“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father
will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your
Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 5:43-45 --
“You have heard that it was said, “Live your neighbor and hate your
enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute
you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.” The
Hardest Part I won’t tell you
that it’s easy to go first. In fact, I can think of few things more
difficult. There’s always that risk of rejection. You might extend your
hand or your heart and the other person just walks away or turns their
back. And that is a pretty big risk. Are you willing to take it? Is it
worth it? It will be much safer to do nothing, but then you will never
know what might have happened. Yet as you humble yourself to that other
person, remember that God gives grace to the humble. (James 4:6) I know of a mother
and son who had not spoken in nine years. Neither was really sure how this
started. But it was so painful for both of them, and becoming worse by the
year. There never seemed to be an opportunity to make it right. The mother
discovered the possibility that both would be at the same church service
one Sunday to see a mutual family member's baptism. She determined that if
her son was there, she would at least speak to him before she left. At the
end of the service I stood and watched as she made her way toward him,
unsure if he would turn away, not knowing how he would respond or if he
would respond at all. I can't imagine
how difficult that was for her. Or for him. As she reached the spot where
he was standing, she spoke to him and then leaned up and put her arms
around him. When I turned around, he was hugging her back. There is no
question that they have a long way to go and a lot of wounds to heal. But
none of that could happen until someone took the first step. So who should go
first? I think it will have to be you. Ask God for His direction and
guidance, as well as His forgiveness, as you make that step. Don't go in
without Him. You are taking a big step. I for one wouldn't want to take
that step alone. Proverbs 3:5-6 --
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own
understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your
paths straight.” With all my heart, =============================== And if
you've missed any of the ezines, they're posted on the website in the
Archive. We've got an "Archive" link on the right border to make
it easy to find. So check
back to www.thelillypond.com and stay connected. =============================== If you
received this ezine from a friend and you'd like to subscribe, you can go
to http://www.TheLillyPond.com and subscribe for free or just send an
email to thelillypond@thelillypond.com and put "SUBSCRIBE" in the
Subject line. Thanks. =============================== Remember
what I said now, I really want your stories! So get busy and when you're
all finished, here's what I need you to do. At the end of your story, be
sure to write: ++ Your
first name, last name, city and state. (This is for our files only.) ++ Whether
you want me to use your first name, initials or no name at all. (This is
for publication. In any event, I will not publish your last name.) ++ Whether
you want me to use your state or no location at all. (This is also for
publication. In any event, I will not publish your city.) ++ Please
say clearly: either YES, THE LILLYPOND HAS PERMISSION TO PUBLISH your
story or question, or FOR LILLIAN'S EYES ONLY AND NOT FOR PUBLICATION. I
treasure your confidence and respect your privacy above all. Just send
your story by email to stories@thelillypond.com I'm waiting
to hear from you! Note from
the Legal Pad: If you do grant permission to publish your story, you would
also be granting me the right to make very minor edits for spelling,
grammar and readability; to make minor edits to preserve your anonymity;
and to use your letter in my other publications and books. =============================== With all my
heart, |
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